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CHAPTER 3

DISCOVER YOUR NORTH STAR

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.

LOUISA MAY ALCOTT

Imagine this: You are sitting at your kitchen table on a beautiful spring morning. You leisurely munch on your toast, strawberry jelly dripping onto your plate, while you scroll your phone for the morning’s news. Suddenly your eyes widen as you spy your own name on the screen—an announcement of your death.

How would this make you feel? What would the article say about your legacy? How would you be remembered?

While this may seem far-fetched, this little fiction is based on the true story of Alfred Nobel, a scientist credited with around 355 inventions. His most notable was a stable explosive to replace the highly volatile (and very dangerous) nitroglycerin. Alfred named his invention “dynamite.” Alfred felt secure about his legacy, but that changed in 1888 when his brother Ludvig died while in France. Instead of publishing Ludvig’s obituary, however, the newspaper mistakenly wrote: “Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before, died yesterday.” The article was titled “The Merchant of Death Is Dead.”1 Yikes. There’s a headline that would make you spit out your toast.

Alfred had believed dynamite was a gift to humanity, as it made working conditions safer for thousands. To see printed in black and white that this was not how he was perceived devastated him. Provoked by this event and disappointed by how he would be remembered, Nobel set out to change his legacy. He set aside a bulk of his estate to establish prizes to honor men and women for outstanding achievements in physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and in working toward peace.

Alfred clarified his North Star, and the Nobel Prize became an extension of his clearer focus. When he did die in 1896, he was remembered as a humanitarian and an advocate for the sciences, certainly not as a merchant of death. He had made a conscious choice to redirect his life and to create his own legacy.

WHY DO WE NEED A NORTH STAR?

The North Star has long been known as a constant in the night sky. Throughout history, it has guided sailors and adventurers on the path to their ultimate destinations, keeping them from being lost long before there were maps. The North Star is the beacon shining through the dark unknown, lighting our path.

While we may not be sailors, we still need a constant in our life to help guide us through the darkness. Here’s the hard fact: we don’t just find ourselves on a fulfilling, deeply satisfying path—we create it for ourselves. The clarity comes from within us.

Our purpose and our priorities need to drive our productivity. The more we allow our North Star to guide us, the more productive and fulfilled we will become. When we live our life using our North Star, we take ownership of our legacy.

When we don’t define our North Star, we allow others to define it for us.* And often this means we are spending time being busy instead of focusing on moving forward in the direction we truly want to go. Our North Star determines how we want to spend our time and, most importantly, guides our decisions.

I want you to think about this: How many times a week, or even a day, do you make decisions? Even those small decisions you aren’t actively thinking about, like scrolling through your phone instead of engaging in conversation with your loved ones. We forget we are actively making those choices. Having a North Star guides you in your daily life and drives the direction of your choices—big and small.

Decisions become easier when we have this foundation of confidence. At its core, productivity is about making a series of choices. Choices have the power to make us genuinely productive rather than simply busy. By not making choices and allowing others’ priorities to become our own, we will never feel truly productive, no matter how many tasks we check off our lists.

We have to sort through the opportunities and activities and choose to focus on what’s most important. I realize that finding the joy of missing out—in saying no—isn’t easy; it’s a hard choice to make at times. That’s true for all of us, myself included. Don’t worry, though. We are going to work through this idea together. (And trust me, when we get to section 4, it will be so much easier for you to say no.) DOING, DREAMING, AND DEFINING

In chapter 2 I shared my story about needing to discover my North Star. I remember going online and searching for answers. I knew my current path wasn’t the right one for me, but what was the right path? Why couldn’t someone just tell me? Every article I found began with the phrase “Start by writing down your purpose.” I thought I would tear my hair out! I wanted to scream at the computer because that was the problem—I had no idea.

CHOICES HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE US genuinely PRODUCTIVE RATHER THAN SIMPLY BUSY

I knew there was a path that was destined for me, but it had become so overrun with weeds I could no longer see it. I felt lost. At times I would literally imagine myself alone in an overgrown woods, turning in circles with no idea of where to step next. I was scared. I was scared to move and scared to stand still.

I didn’t really know what my North Star was—I had to discover it for myself. And I think that’s one of the most important parts of the process: ownership. You have to take this journey; you have to do the work because this is your path. The good, the bad, and the ugly: It belongs to you. So own it.

Our North Star is a combination of our mission, vision statement, and core values. Each one answers the question of who you are at your heart. The mission statement tells us what we are doing now, the vision statement tells of where we want to be, and the core values tell us how these can be defined through our actions. Like pieces of a puzzle, they come together to create the completed picture of why we make the choices we do. They become the North Star we need to guide us and help us navigate through decisions.

I cannot design this North Star for you; neither can your best friend or your family. Your North Star is uniquely yours. It’s your own filter for guiding your behavior and choices—providing clear direction and guiding you to make the best decisions to help you achieve your goals. It’s important to take the time to custom design it for yourself.

Some people find terms like mission statement and core values intimidating. It’s almost like the words themselves are heavy because they feel so important. I think many people believe these words work to define them—now, always, and forever. This idea is what causes a huge stumbling block—no wonder it feels so heavy! Yes, they do add value and structure to our lives, but the process doesn’t have to feel intimidating or frightening.

In Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert’s TED Talk “The Psychology of the Future Self,” he said, “Human beings are works in progress2 that mistakenly think they are finished. The person you are right now is transient, as fleeting and as temporary as all the people you’ve ever been. The one constant in our lives is change.” We are constantly evolving, learning, and growing. We are in a constant state of change, so why would we assume our values and priorities are fixed? Take a minute and think of who you were just two years ago. What were you doing, how did you define yourself, and what was important to you at the time? And now think about five years ago, and then ten. You have changed (and will continue to change). So will your North Star.

It grows and evolves with you, which is why it’s important to take time often to think about the components of your North Star and ask yourself, Does it reflect me and where I want to go now? It’s okay if it doesn’t. It just means it’s time to shake things up a little, or maybe even a lot, like I did when I took the time to redirect my life.

Just take a deep breath and don’t overthink it. Here we go.

DOING: YOUR MISSION STATEMENT

Your mission statement answers the question: “What do I do?” It should be true to you and should be specific enough for people to understand what you do and why you do it. A lot of people and companies get this wrong by using big fancy words that don’t tell us anything. Clear and concise is the name of the game. We want our mission statement to be easy to memorize and repeat because we will be referencing it often.

Here are some examples of mission statements:

AMAZON:3 To offer our customers the lowest possible prices, the best available selection, and the utmost convenience.

NIKE:4 To bring inspiration and innovation to every athlete in the world.

PBS:5 To create content that educates, informs and inspires.

INKWELL PRESS: To provide productivity tools and trainings that empower you to achieve your goals and dreams.

When you think about these companies, do you see how their mission statements allow them to make decisions about their movements and their choices? You’ll notice that their statements are not about the things they do—Nike doesn’t tell you they make athletic gear, and PBS doesn’t talk about producing great children’s programs. Instead, a mission statement gets to the heart of why they do these things: “to bring inspiration and innovation” or “to create content that educates.” When it comes to your mission statement, maybe the question you should be asking isn’t “What do I do?” but it should dig deeper and ask, “Why do I do what I do?” You can see how a mission statement helps these companies determine what they spend their resources on—and what they don’t. It allows a large group of people, like the employees of the company, to be empowered to make choices and decisions because they all have a common purpose.

Even though you are one person and not a group, you, too, are inundated by choices. And while you aren’t offering a product or service, you are crafting a legacy—that’s your ultimate product, the impact you make for yourself and others. We all have gifts; there’s a feeling of satisfaction when you focus your time and energy on what is truly at the heart of what you do. Writing a mission statement for yourself gives you that clarity.

Oprah Winfrey’s mission is: “To be a teacher6. And to be known for inspiring my students to be more than they thought they could be.” Richard Branson’s mission is: “To have fun7 in [my] journey through life and learn from mistakes.” My personal mission statement is: “To use my passion and expertise in productivity to inspire others to achieve their goals and dreams.” Notice I don’t mention the words business owner or author or podcaster. It’s a short statement that conveys what I do and why.

One of the beauties of a mission statement is that it helps guide and remind you of what you do, but it doesn’t box you in. It provides the framework you use to make your decisions. When it’s time for me to decide whether to say yes to a project or whether to join a committee, the proposal must first filter through my mission statement. I ask myself, Does this fulfill my mission? If it does, I move forward. My mission, though, doesn’t just tell me what to say yes to—it also gives me the fortitude to pass on opportunities that do not fulfill my mission. If something doesn’t fit my mission, the answer is a clear and simple no.

Through my mission statement, I was inspired to open inkWELL Press, to start my podcast, to create TonyaTV, and offer courses. You can see how it has given me the insight to know what I really want to focus on every day, but it doesn’t limit me either.

I think one of the struggles many people experience with an exercise like this is that it’s hard to zero in on one statement. We have so many facets to our lives we cannot imagine a single statement being able to convey it all. What I often end up seeing are extraordinarily long mission statements trying to cover all the many tasks people do. These statements end up sounding more like a laundry list of jobs than a true mission statement, which should say clearly and concisely what you really do. I’ll give you an example of what I mean by this.

Amanda, an alum of my liveWELL Method course, is a good example of a woman with a lot on her plate. Because of this, it could be hard to narrow down what she does into a single mission statement. After all, she homeschools her three daughters, teaches high school English at her co-op, works part-time as a physical therapist, and works on her dream business on the side: being a professional organizer who helps others systemize their homes and business papers. (I told you she had a lot on her plate, didn’t I?) Amanda wears so many hats that she wasn’t sure where to laser in on her mission statement, but I noticed a key thread running through each of her activities. She is consistently spreading love and helping others in many different forms. When we focused on the root of why she does each of these tasks, she said she is passionate about helping others overcome challenges, “inviting them to walk in hope, empowerment, and freedom.” Once she acknowledged this, Amanda was able to create a mission statement she felt reflected her many hats. Her mission statement is: “I use my humor8 and problem-solving skills to help improve the lives of my family, friends, and community.” Your mission statement isn’t about your job itself—it’s about what your job does and why you do it. I know that might seem confusing, but here’s a simpler way to look at it: Think about all the tasks you truly enjoy, and then start to question what it is about these jobs that brings you joy. Do you see a theme beginning to emerge? Is there a common thread running through each of these tasks? That theme—the reason why you do those tasks—that’s the heart of your mission statement.

When we understand our why, we can answer the question of what we do.

So where do you start? Here is one of the simple exercises I used to help create my mission statement. It’s called the ABC Brain Dump, and it’s one of my favorite exercises to use when I feel like I’m stuck. I list all the letters of the alphabet on a sheet of paper, A to Z. Then I sit for two minutes and think about the question I’m considering. In this case, I asked myself, Why do I do what I do?

Then I start writing, starting with A and working my way through the alphabet, one minute for each letter. Don’t think, don’t filter, just write! After going through all twenty-six letters, I begin to look for words that pop out at me or themes that recur.

I then explore those ideas even further. I may do another brain dump focused just on this new theme, or I’ll create a mind map, allowing my brain to run unfiltered while writing out connected ideas.

When you need to flush out an idea, give it the time and space it needs to be uncovered. Don’t rush it, but don’t give yourself a never-ending deadline. You don’t want this to become a vehicle for procrastination. Just allow yourself the space you need to think.

If you’re having trouble getting started, here are a couple of questions you can ask yourself: What am I passionate about? What makes me great? Why do I enjoy what I do?

DREAMING: YOUR VISION STATEMENT

A vision statement answers the question: “Where am I going?” It’s where we dream we will be. This may be very different from where we are right now. It helps set our trajectory and define where the destination lies. While the mission statement tells us where we are today, the vision statement clarifies where we want to be in the future.

A vision statement is not your goals—it’s a description of your future that instills hope. It’s not the nitty-gritty details of each step required to get there; it’s a guideline to help you understand the goals you may need to set. It’s not necessarily tied to your current reality—that’s one of the best parts of a vision statement. A vision statement is an opportunity to dream and imagine the best possible future.

Some examples of focused vision statements:

MAKE-A-WISH:9 That people everywhere will share the power of a wish.

AVON:10 To be the company that best understands and satisfies the product, service and self-fulfillment needs of women—globally.

ASPCA:11 That the United States is a humane community in which all animals are treated with respect and kindness.

INKWELL PRESS: To help people everywhere live a fulfilling life focusing on their priorities.

Did you notice that all these statements were fewer than twenty words? Like a mission statement, you want your vision statement to be short and direct—one sentence or phrase will do. You want to design it to clearly share what you are working to achieve in a way that is easy to communicate to others.

Did you also notice that all of these are written in absolute terms? You don’t see phrases like “hope to be” or “would like to have” included. They are written as if these statements are inevitable; these visions will absolutely come true.

Because vision statements are meant to be used internally, many companies don’t publish them for the public to see. Most people follow this as well, since it’s really designed to be a more personal statement. I’m happy to share mine, though. My vision statement is: “I will help people everywhere live a fulfilling life, focusing on their priorities while focusing on my own.” One of the most powerful exercises I used when designing my vision statement was to create a vision board. A vision board is a visual representation of the future that you can then use to craft a concise and meaningful vision statement.

Simply gather together a pile of magazines you don’t mind cutting up and start flipping. Look for images and words that inspire you. When something jumps out at you, rip it out. And then keep flipping. Don’t stop. As you find more images or words that resonate with you, add them to your stack.

Once you have a nice stack, begin to go through them. Intentionally choose images and words representing the vision of the future you want. Attach the images on a large sheet of paper or poster board, something you can hang in a place where you’ll see it often. Then use the ideas you’ve gathered to craft a meaningful vision statement for yourself.

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help you get started: How do I want to evolve and grow? How can I make what I’m doing now even better?

DEFINING: YOUR CORE VALUES

Core values answer the question: “How will I support the mission and vision statements?” Your core values are a group of words that work in concert to create the essential standards that guide your behavior and shape your decisions.

People often claim to live by their core values, but if our values are open-ended and ambiguous, it’s easy to get out of alignment and make bad choices. In other words, it’s incredibly hard to actually live by your core values if you don’t take the time to articulate them clearly and write them down.

You want to create a set of core values that are inspirational and concrete so they have both meaning and action. They should speak to your passions and help drive the decisions you make. When you follow your personal core values, they will fulfill you and help you focus on the person you want to be. Definitively stating your core values doesn’t just help with large decisions; it helps with the seemingly small ones as well.

Here are some examples of core values:

SMITHSONIAN:12 Excellence, Integrity, Respect, Diversity, Intellectual Freedom, Collaboration

ADIDAS:13 Performance, Passion, Integrity, Diversity

ADOBE:14 Genuine, Exceptional, Innovative, Involved

INKWELL PRESS: Harmony, Intention, Family, Love, Generosity, Excellence

The values listed for each of these examples reflect how the mission and vision statements will be executed. I’ve also listed the mission, vision, and core values for inkWELL Press in this chapter so you can see that they seamlessly support each other and work together. Your set of core values will do that too.

My personal core values are Family, Grace, Mindfulness, Learning, Integrity, and Adventure. You’ll notice that for me, as the owner of inkWELL Press, many of my own values overlap with the company’s values just as our missions and visions overlap.

I’ve developed an easy three-step process to make it easier to discover your core values.

1. Reflect + Collect

I often say you need to look backward to keep moving forward. I believe this is true because the bread crumbs of our lives have led us to where we are at this very moment. Begin thinking about the mission and vision statements you hold true, and then take the time to think back to why these statements embody you.

ASK YOURSELF: What words do I want others to use to describe me when I’m not around? What do I do to impact others in a positive way? Is there a gap between what I’m currently doing and what I’m dreaming of doing?

Start collecting the values that come to mind. It may help to look at a list of common words used for core values—I have a list you can use at joyofmissingout.com/corevalues. Use a highlighter to go through the list, and don’t overthink it. Simply highlight the words you feel reflect your values. Don’t fret about how many; just allow yourself the freedom to openly choose what resonates with you.

1. Refine + Define

You will at this point have a good-size list of values, but you don’t want too many because when we are so busy trying to do everything, we end up standing for nothing. I believe six or fewer is a good rule of thumb here: enough to stand for something, but not so many you feel like you’re juggling chain saws.

Now you’ll want to refine your list, so start looking for ways you can group the words together into categories or themes. For example, when I was doing this exercise for myself, I grouped together words like authentic, generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness, and charity because they all embodied a similar idea. Once you group your words into categories, choose a name that embodies the full idea. For my group of words, I ended up naming that value “Grace.” Once you have refined your words into these categories, you need to define what these values mean to you. For me, the value of Grace means I believe the single act of a kind gesture can make a stranger’s day; a nice comment or compliment has the power to transform. Words are different to each of us, with their own meanings and connotations, so taking the time to spell out exactly what each value means helps clarify it even further.

1. Believe + Achieve

The last step is to begin embodying these values in your daily life. Test the values and make sure they resonate with the mission and vision statements you’ve created for yourself. Ask yourself, Would I stick to this core value even if it created a disadvantage? Does this fit into my personality?

Let me explain what I mean by this—a good example is the value of innovation. It’s a wonderful value, but if you are a person who thrives on stability, the constant change of innovation may not work for you. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself: Am I willing to sacrifice for my value? If not, it’s not the value for you. And that’s okay.

Sherry, one of my podcast listeners, felt unsure about her life’s direction. While working through these exercises, she discovered that some of her happiest moments were times when she was outdoors. When she discovered this, she also realized that most of her daily activities were keeping her confined inside. Armed with her newfound value of “Outdoor Adventures,” she was able to create a life that consistently gave her reasons to spend time outside, which increased her overall happiness.

Start actively working to incorporate your values into your daily life and intentionally making them a part of your decision making. If you live a life focused on your values, people will see them and know them without you needing to point them out. They will see them from the actions you take, the words you speak, and the life you lead. Your core values fulfill the prophecy of your mission and vision statements and create structure for the life you want to live.

YOUR NORTH STAR MATTERS

After his cancer diagnosis, Steve Jobs said, “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon15 is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.” We don’t have to wait until we receive bad news from the doctor or read our obituary in the paper. We can begin to make those big choices now, using our North Star to help guide us.

When we design a life where our mission, vision, and core values are an integral part, we have a guide to help us with the overwhelm we may have been feeling. A good North Star guides you to know what decisions to make and how to start.

The process of defining your North Star might seem daunting, but the important thing to remember is not to be scared. You can’t mess this up. If you find you’re not happy with the parts that make up your North Star, simply adjust it—just as I did, just as Alfred Nobel did. This is your North Star, and it needs to add meaning and value to your life.