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CHAPTER 11

HARMONIZE YOUR YES

Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

TINA FEY

To create the whitespace we need in our lives, we need to carve out that space for ourselves. We know we can’t just make more time; we have to find it somewhere in our schedule. But how can we do that when our schedule is already packed full?

The seemingly obvious answer is that we need to say no more often. Simple advice, but it’s not really that easy. Is it? Sometimes it may not feel so clean-cut because the one-size-fits-all answer of “no” fits about as well as a one-size-fits-all shirt—not very well at all.

Life is never one-size-fits-all. The challenge in life is not just saying no; it’s the art of learning when your answer should be a “no” and when it should be a “yes.” It’s about finding your yes.

My favorite yes happened the spring after I opened the doors to inkWELL Press. A mere six months before, I fretted and worried about our launch. I told people jokingly that we would either be really happy after our launch or living in our car under a bridge. I smiled when I said it, but I didn’t really think it was funny—it had a thin edge of truth behind it.

During that time we had financially tightened our belts, scraping together all our pennies to get the business off the ground. There were no social outings, no after-school activities. We were down to one car—a gray minivan with a long scratch down its side that had racked up about one hundred thousand miles. When launch day came with a flood of orders, it came, too, with a flood of relief.

I vividly remember the exact moment of my favorite yes. I was standing outside at a workshop when my phone rang. My husband is a man of few words, but as I pressed the phone to my ear, I heard a rush of excited words: There was a car . . . it had just become available . . . not just a car—the car. The car he had been dreaming of for years—a white Volkswagen GTI with manual shift. He sounded like a kid at Christmas sitting on Santa’s lap. “What do you think?” he asked.

This man, who offered to follow me wherever my path might lead, who had supported and encouraged me to create my North Star, wanted to know if he could get his dream car. Without hesitation, I said yes.

The feeling of that yes washed over me. It felt so good, I don’t think I could wipe that smile off my face if I had to—that’s what your yes should feel like too.

If we believe the story I just don’t have enough time to focus on priorities, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We need to start by clearing out the clutter so we can open up spaces for our yeses. The best way for us to do that is to uncommit.

IT’S TIME TO UNCOMMIT

That word uncommit may feel a little bit like a rock in your shoe. It’s uncomfortable because we worry this means we are letting others down. I understand, because you are just like me—a giver. We givers always want to gift ourselves to others, and we never want anyone to feel that we’ve disappointed them.

But what if I told you this—you are already saying no all the time. You see, every time you say yes, you are saying no to something else. Every. Single. Time. When we commit our time to others’ priorities, it’s at the expense of our own.

We say yes to volunteering on a committee we don’t love, so we say no to time with family. We say yes to organizing an event for someone, so we say no to our personal goals. We say yes to coordinating a project for a group, so we say no to our own passion project. We cannot say yes without saying no. We have to steal the time, the energy, and the focus away from somewhere—we often just don’t realize it.

It feels easy to say yes, to add “one more thing” to our day. One-more-thing-itis is real. We feel compelled to pile on one more thing, and another thing, and one more. Our schedule ends up looking like a plate of food at the end of the buffet line—heaping and overflowing—with no room left for what we really want . . . dessert. Just because you have the time doesn’t mean you should say yes. We have to save room for our yeses, just like we have to save room for that dessert.

We feel obligated, though, to say yes because have to and want to have become indistinguishable—the lines are blurred. There is a big difference between happily giving our time to others and making ourselves do these things because we feel cornered. Here’s a surprising truth: saying no is not selfish; it’s an opportunity to be selfless.

Often the promise of doing allthethings is just a cleverly disguised way to avoid facing trade-offs, which results in you scattering your focus and spending time on everything except the important things that actually matter. Opportunities seem innocent enough, but we forget the commitments that come with them: time, energy, focus. Our three most precious commodities.

With her piercing blue eyes, Katie exudes confidence. She is an inspiring entrepreneur with whip-smart advice on helping others grow their business while juggling her family of six.

EVERY TIME YOU SAY yes YOU ARE SAYING NO TO SOMETHING ELSE

In 2016, though, Katie was overwhelmed. At the time, she was running a successful retail business with wholesale offerings, she was traveling extensively to speak at numerous events, she was teaching online classes for CreativeLive, and she gave birth to her fourth child. She told me, “I got to the end of the year1 and my business was succeeding, but I was exhausted. My family was exhausted. I was running myself ragged.” Katie’s plate wasn’t just full; it was spilling over.

How could she possibly say no, though, to those opportunities when all those things were propelling her business? Most people would have seen no choices there, but Katie decided to give herself some space to think. She gave herself a one-day retreat, and in that whitespace she made some big decisions. She would stop traveling to speak, and she would stop selling retail and focus on licensing. Less travel, less scattered focus, with more concentration on family and key clients.

With less visibility, she wondered, Will it affect revenue or impact business in a negative way? But she never regretted it. She shared, “It reminded me I’m in control of how I spend my time and the expectations I set for myself. I have the freedom and flexibility to say yes or no, and I need to leverage that more. I have the power.” Was the change scary? Without question. Was there some doubt? Certainly. Did the relief feel huge? Absolutely.

Katie still had an obligation, though, to continue to move the business forward. Her family depends on her income, and, quite frankly, Katie enjoys her work tremendously. Quitting altogether wasn’t an option. She had to employ some Squirrel Strategy.

She asked herself: If she wasn’t going to travel, what could she do to keep her company visible? Starting her own podcast was the ideal solution. Instead of accepting in-person speaking events, she chose online summits or interviews on other people’s podcasts and blogs. She got pickier about what she accepted and she discovered, “When I said yes to fewer things, I was able to give so much more of me. I do a better job, I get excited about the things I’m choosing to do, and I feel more passionate.” Katie’s business thrived, and with her newfound focus, she did too.

When Katie and I talked, she made the statement, “I worried people would forget me.” And then she quickly followed up by apologizing and telling me it sounded vain. But I don’t think it’s vain at all. I know Katie personally, and she is not self-absorbed. She is generous and kind; she is thoughtful and patient with her children even though she constantly worries she is not. She is a giver, not a taker.

Here’s some unfiltered truth, though—we all want to be seen. We all want to be acknowledged. We falsely believe we have to be everywhere in order to be seen. I think we all worry about being forgotten. We all want to make our mark on this world.

Success and the illusion of doing it all helps us feel like we are being seen. In reality, though, it can leave us feeling stretched too thin and pulled in far too many directions to make the impact we really want.

It’s not just about uncommitting and saying no. You need to commit to what is important to you. Make a commitment with your schedule—it’s an opportunity for you to pour more of your time, energy, and focus into the causes, people, and issues that truly matter to you.

Committing to nothing means you’re distracted by everything. Commit to things that are important to you (and get rid of what isn’t). Let’s make our time more meaningful by “burning those boats” and making the biggest impact. Just as I discussed in chapter 4, it’s the focus of energy that brings our greatest rewards.

We feel, though, as if we cannot quit. We all know winners never quit, and we want to feel like winners. Even when something is a losing proposition, we continue to invest more of our time. We fear failing and looking foolish. We hate to admit we made a mistake. Quitting feels like failure, but quitting is not an end—it’s the first step to redefining and refocusing your life. Have the courage and confidence to cut out what’s not working and make room for more of the yeses that belong to you.

YES TO REDISCOVERING YOU

If you are struggling with what your yes might look like, you are not alone. We sometimes lose ourselves in the roles we play. We might have to look hard to remind ourselves who we were before we had kids or before work got so intense or before tragedy struck our lives.

We have to find ourselves. Just because you feel lost doesn’t mean you can’t be found again.

Jenn rediscovered herself after her marriage of fifteen years crumbled. Her relationship had been filled with hardship, but it still hurt when her husband asked for a divorce. They had separated a few times in the past, but this time was different somehow—she knew it was the end of her marriage.

For the majority of their time together, Jenn had focused her energy on the constant restoration and work of her relationship. And in fighting hard for her marriage, she stifled her own identity in order to appease and smooth out the rough edges. For over a decade she told herself stories: If I had been “enough,” my marriage wouldn’t be failing.

If I wasn’t “too much,” he would be happier.

Over the years, Jenn had adapted herself to fit who she believed she should be. She admitted, “I lived a very controlled life because I was trying to be something somebody else needed me to be.” While the divorce was hard, she chose to use it as an opportunity to heal and rewrite her stories. She needed to rediscover who she was without overthinking. She decided, “I’m just going to push this door wide open and let the pieces of myself become restored.” Jenn dedicated herself to what she termed “Jenn’s Year of Yes.” The rules were simple—as long as it fit within her values and wasn’t dangerous, she would say yes to new opportunities for twelve months. Yes to little things, like an invitation to a New Year’s Eve party were she knew no one, and yes to big things, like a last-minute trip to India. She said yes to flying out to help a friend set up her business, she said yes to living on a bus for two weeks supporting another friend’s book release, and she said yes to traveling to Israel.

She showed up. She showed up for friends. She showed up for her community. She showed up for herself. She told me, “Each time I said yes, it just kept opening a door for me to heal, and something pivotal would happen. It allowed me to get out of my own way and find the path back to my authentic self.” Jenn said yes to opportunities she normally would have talked herself out of—like an out-of-state blind date set up by friends. A blind date that turned into a second date that stretched into a third.

Jenn shared, “None of it was random2. For the first time in a long time, I was operating in my gifts. I am brave by nature; I just had lost my way. My season of saying yes helped me find my way back to myself.” She now feels reenergized and more in tune with who she is at her core. Happily remarried to her blind date, Jenn is following her calling to help others live out their true selves. Her year of yes helped bring her full circle back to herself.

Sometimes yes is the very best word.

FINDING YOUR YES

The right yes we feel immediately—it feels great, like the wind at your back. Finding the right no isn’t always so easy. We have to learn to filter and choose our yeses carefully.

You can’t ask your mother or your best friend. You can’t email me and ask me what list of activities you should do—it’s not my yes; it’s yours. Everyone’s yes is different because, at its heart, it’s tied to your North Star. You have to discover it for yourself.

I created a blueprint called Finding Your Yes that I use when I’m struggling to decide on an opportunity. I’ve shared it on the following page, but let me guide you through it. You start by writing out the opportunity. It’s important to actually physically write it down because this is your very first chance to make your decision. When you take the time to write it out, how does it make you feel? Pay attention to your gut reaction.

Ask yourself, Did I feel excited or nervous? Did I feel stress or dread? If your feelings are negative, that’s probably a quick no. It’s important to point out, though, that feeling scared isn’t necessarily a negative feeling. Fear can be an automatic reaction to big opportunities, so don’t dismiss it right away as a negative feeling if nervousness strikes. Move on to the next step and dive a little deeper into the opportunity.

The next step is to write out why you want to take on this opportunity. As always, we want to begin with our foundation of why. Why do you want to do this? Taking a minute to analyze why you possibly want to accept this chance can help you see if it’s aligned with your North Star. If it’s not aligned or if you can’t say strongly why you want to do it, this is an easy no.

What I love about this step is that there have been way too many times that I’ve gone through this exercise only to feel stumped by this question of why. Several times, without really thinking, I’ve watched my hand write out the words “I don’t want to do this” or “I feel guilty” in this space. When I see my own words written there, it’s the splash of cold water I need, and I immediately know I need to pass.

If, on the other hand, this opportunity feels in line with our North Star, then we need to look at our time next. Did you notice we didn’t discuss time at all until after we decided why we wanted to do this? Too often we make choices based solely on time, and while time is a factor, it’s not the ultimate decision maker. There are times when we hide behind our packed schedule as an excuse not to try new things or explore big opportunities. We want to use our North Star as our main guide for making our decisions—not time.

We need to estimate how much time the opportunity will take, and we need to be honest about the time commitment. If we are unsure, it’s best to pad it a bit. It’s better to overestimate so you can decide if you truly have the time to commit. If you do, that’s great. There’s really just one last question: If you say yes to this opportunity, what are you saying no to?

Even if we have the time, even if it’s aligned with our North Star, every time we say yes, we say no to something else. Every single time. Decide how that feels, and if it feels right . . . congratulations, this is your yes!

If you don’t have the time but you think you want to do it anyway, you’ll need to decide what you are willing to quit in your schedule. If you don’t have time and can’t quit anything, then you cannot accept this opportunity—you are just inviting stress and chaos into your life. Accept that it’s okay to say no, especially if your days are already filled with rewarding and fulfilling tasks.

Saying no can be hard. Sometimes the word yes just slips out of our mouths because it feels so good to see others smile and feel happy that we are giving them our time. And then, five seconds after it crosses our lips, we wonder how in the world it happened. I know, I’ve been there myself.

THE ART OF THE SOLID NO

If we need to pass on an opportunity, we first need to accept that it’s okay to say no. The world will not stop spinning on its axis. I want to remind you that every time we say yes, we say no to something else. The opposite, then, also holds true. When we say no, we are, in effect, saying yes to: Quality time with our loved ones

Having a reasonable workload

Being in control of our schedules

Making ourselves a priority

We need to stop and think about this the next time we are tempted to let the word yes slip out without a second thought. People are constantly pulling on us, calling to us, asking us to say yes, and it can get loud with all the requests for our time. We want the voice of our priorities to be the one rising above the din of the crowd. That’s the voice that helps us distinguish what we truly believe is important.

We have to stop apologizing for prioritizing our priorities, for putting first things first, because that’s where they belong. Being kind and thoughtful does not mean putting your priorities last. You can be kind but strong in your resolutions. For many of us, it’s almost second nature to apologize when we have to tell someone we cannot volunteer, take on another responsibility, or step up for another committee.

We have to separate the request from the relationship. We often forget that saying no to a request is not a rejection of the person. Lysa TerKeurst wrote, “We must not confuse the command3 to love with the disease to please.” I love that phrase—the disease to please—because it’s true. We’re saying yes to everyone to help ensure their happiness. We place ourselves at the bottom of our people-pleasing list.

Find the courage and compassion to communicate your no in a thoughtful way. But keep in mind, the answer is still no.

We’ve all heard the phrase “no is a complete sentence,” and while I agree with the concept, I know it’s not easy to implement in real life. Most of us don’t feel comfortable with just saying no, so we end up overexplaining, overapologizing, and sometimes getting suckered into saying yes after all! The key is to make saying no easier for yourself so you are more confident saying it.

My favorite technique to accomplish this is a simple but effective method called the Sandwich Strategy. Imagine a standard, everyday sandwich: two pieces of bread with some kind of filling nestled in the middle. When we need to say no to an opportunity, the no is the meat of our message, so we simply sandwich it in between two slices of kindness. Here’s how you can use the Sandwich Strategy to say no to a request for a committee: SANDWICH STRATEGY: I am so flattered you thought of me for this important committee. Unfortunately, I have several other activities I’ve committed to, so I’m unable to give it the time it deserves. I am thrilled, though, that you are pulling together a group of people for such a worthwhile cause!

Do you see the clear no right there in the middle? But because it’s started and finished with compassion, it’s easier to swallow. And, bonus for us, it’s easier to give.

DON’T GET CAUGHT OFF GUARD

Many times we say yes because we are taken off guard—we are asked in passing in the hallway at work, while we are cheering on our kids at a soccer game, or at some other time when we are not prepared, so we default to saying yes.

The trick is to have a go-to phrase ready. When someone asks us, “What do you have going on this weekend?” it’s easy to shrug our shoulders and tell them we are free. Then, when they ask us to man the dunking booth at the school carnival for three hours, we can’t say no. Instead, when asked about our plans, we can reply, “I am not sure. I’ll have to check my calendar. Why?” Let them tell you about the opportunity before giving carte blanche to your calendar. You need to entertain the opportunity before you make a decision. Remember, time is a factor, but it’s not the deciding factor.

There are times, too, when you’ll need to work through that Finding Your Yes blueprint to decide. Give yourself some space to weigh out whether it’s your yes or not. Often we default to saying maybe or probably, which are soft yeses that we then feel obligated to follow through on.

Let the person requesting your time know you are seriously considering it, but it’s not a soft yes:

SANDWICH STRATEGY: That sounds like something I’d normally be interested in. I’m not sure I’ll be able to give it the time it deserves, so I need some time to think about it. I’ll let you know Friday. I really appreciate you thinking of me.

By the way, have you noticed I use the phrase “the time it deserves” in both these examples? I love that term because I’m not blaming it on being busy, and I’m not elevating myself. I’m using this as a chance to show the person I understand their project/task/committee is important to them. I am acknowledging them and that this opportunity is significant to them. (But that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily important to me.) It’s also key to lay out your own set of ground rules—your boundaries for how many opportunities you want to allow. Decide for yourself: How many nights a week are you willing to block off time to commit to doing things outside your house? How many days a week are you willing to do something that isn’t tied to your North Star? Decide this for yourself, and then you need to stick to it.

SANDWICH STRATEGY: Thanks so much for the invite to movie night! I’m sorry to miss, but I’m trying to spend more evenings at home during the week. I’ve heard it’s a good movie, though, so I’m sure you’ll have a great time.

I recently spoke at an event and shared the Sandwich Strategy. One woman in the crowd started to raise her hand, put it back down, and then timidly raised it again. I could tell she was struggling with the idea of saying no and there was some sort of internal battle going on in her head, so I asked her if I could help.

“But what if it’s Sunday school you want to say no to?” she asked incredulously. “I teach Sunday school each week, and I really don’t enjoy it.” She looked embarrassed to admit this aloud, and even though I know she is not alone in feeling this way, I understood it took courage to say these words to a room full of people. I pushed a little bit for more information, and she admitted, “I love my church, I love my kids, but I don’t love teaching other kids. I want to help, but teaching on Sundays is making me dread attending.” You might have noticed the same thing I did in her statement: she was having a hard time separating the request from the relationship. She felt she could not let her church down, so she believed she had no choice but to keep slogging through her Sunday mornings. Now I don’t know about you, but I believe most churches want people to be excited about Sundays—not dread them. Because she does want to volunteer, it’s not a hard no but more of a softer no: SANDWICH STRATEGY: I really love volunteering for our church and helping it grow. I don’t believe, though, that the children’s ministry is the best fit for me. I want to make sure the kids are excited about Sunday school, and I don’t think I’m the right person to help do that for them. I want to give back and make sure my gifts are used in the best way possible for our congregation. Where else can I best help?

She smiled brightly at me when I gave this suggestion and shared that she was excited to find the right place for herself at her church. I could tell it was a relief to think about saying no to Sunday school all while still giving back.

Maybe you’re in a similar situation at your kids’ school, your charitable group, or even your work. I understand there are times when you feel you cannot say no, but I promise you can. And you can do it in ways that are respectful and kind. Yes, even if it is your boss who needs to be told no.

Listen. Bosses and managers—they are human just like you and me. They forget how much is piled on our plates because they are too busy looking at their own. When they add more to our workload, they may not realize we are already stretched thin with a thousand other projects they assigned in the past. It’s our job to stake our boundaries and remind them. We need our bosses and managers to clearly communicate what they believe are the priorities in our workload: SANDWICH STRATEGY: I am happy to work on this project. I am also working on X, Y, and Z, so which of these should I take off my plate so I can work on this project to the best of my ability? I want to make sure to give it the time it deserves.

Deliver your sandwich with positivity, calmness, and the best results you can.

I’m not going to pretend saying no is easy, but when you say no, you open up opportunities for even bigger yeses. All those nos I had to give when I was preparing my business to launch? Those resulted in a business I love—and it allowed me to say that big, beautiful yes to my husband when he called me about his dream car.

I want to encourage you to say no to mindlessly scrolling and say yes to walks together as a family after dinner, to say no to TV binge-watching and yes to actual phone calls with friends, to say no to opportunities that don’t fulfill you and yes to your passion project. It’s time for you to go out to dinner with friends, to try that yoga class you’ve been dying to try for months. It’s time to find that harmony you crave—the joy of missing out.