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Apologizing.

To learn to say “I was wrong, I’m sorry,” or “I was on an ego trip, I overreacted, I ignored you, and I temporarily put loyalty above integrity” and then to live accordingly is one of the most powerful forms of apology you can make. I have seen literally relationships that have been broken for years redeemed in a relatively short period of time with the depth and sincerity of such an apology. If you said something under the heat of the moment but did not really mean it, when you apologize explain how you were driven by your pride and what you really meant. If you said it in the heat of the moment and did mean it, then the nature of the apology will require you to actually change your heart, to privately repent until you can sincerely say, “I’m sorry; I was wrong in word and deed, and I’m working to correct both.” I remember once having an unpleasant confrontation with an individual on a very jugular issue. The feelings affected the genuineness of our communication from then on, even though on the surface it seemed polite and pleasant. Then one day he came to me and said he felt sad about the strain in our relationship and wanted to restore it to its former unity and harmony. He said it was one of the most difficult things for him to do, to look into his own heart and see where he had gone wrong. He really wanted to apologize. His apology was so humble and sincere without any form of self-justification that it caused me to look into my own heart and to take responsibility for my part. We were knitted together again.

A former colleague told me once of an experience she had working with a high-level executive team at a weeklong retreat. The president began one morning by encouraging the group to really seek to listen to understand others in their discussions before making their own points. Before moving on in the meeting, he shared a powerful personal experience illustrating his point.

What follows is her brief account (the names have been changed, as they have been in many of the stories included in this book) of what happened later that afternoon:

These are her words:

In the middle of our discussions, a rather obnoxious exec started to say something about a business approach he was struggling with. The group verbally pounced on him. To be honest, I would have liked to pounce on him myself, but knew it wasn’t my place. Then I heard Jack, the president, laughing out loud, right in this guy’s face. He was actually making fun of him in front of the whole group. Of course, the group jumped on the bandwagon.

I was stunned. Only a few hours before, the president had shared this moving experience about the value of waiting your turn, trying to understand a person’s actions. Now he was doing the very opposite. I couldn’t very well reprimand him in front of the whole group. So, I just glared at him. He read me loud and clear. “That was ugly. If you don’t do something to rectify this right now, I’ll walk out!” Really. I was so angry, I was ready to walk out on the whole group. They had just reverted to their old, combative behavior and poisonous group dynamics.

He stared back at me. I pulled myself up taller in my seat and glared, “Back at you, pal.” He shrunk back in his seat. I kept on looking right at him. This went on for about five minutes, during which his team members were still crucifying the poor guy. Then all of a sudden, the president stopped the meeting. He said, “Stop, I did something wrong. David, I want to ask your forgiveness.” “For what?” David was a bit baffled. Things were normal as far as he knew.

“That was inappropriate of me. I shouldn’t have laughed. We didn’t listen at all. We just jumped right on you. Will you forgive me?”

I thought that David, this senior VP, would say something like, “No problem. Don’t worry about it.” But his response was amazing: “Jack, I forgive you. Thank you.” Do you realize how much more courage it takes to actively forgive rather than trying to forget something happened?

I sat there. I was overwhelmed with emotion by Jack’s behavior. He didn’t have to apologize. He didn’t have to seek forgiveness in front of the whole group. He’s the head of an eighty-thousand-person division. He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to. After the meeting, I went up to him, with emotion still in my voice, and said, “Thank you for doing that.” He replied, “It was the right thing to do. Thank you for glaring at me.” We didn’t speak about that incident again. But we both know that we had risen to our best that day.

GIVING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK

The students I am closest to from my years as a teacher are those I gave strong feedback to. “You’re better than that. I won’t let you off the hook. There are no excuses. You can pay the price.” Many have told me that holding them to the responsible course—having them live with the full consequences of their actions—was a life-changing, defining moment, though hard for both of us at the time.

Giving negative feedback is one of the most difficult communications there is. It is also one of the most needed. So many people have serious blind spots they never come to grips with because no one knows how to give them feedback. People are too fearful of rupturing a relationship or of having their personal future compromised by “taking on” their boss.

The hypocrisy in the belittling situation in Jack’s story became so evident to the offender that it wasn’t an issue of having a blind spot: it was one of ego. The courage and integrity of the woman who gave the feedback were more powerful than status and position. That’s why it worked. Sometimes it isn’t more powerful and won’t work, which may necessitate going to the person privately and making a reconciliation. The best way to give feedback in a private circumstance is to describe yourself, not the person. Describe your feelings, your concerns or your perceptions of what was happening rather than accusing, judging and labeling the person. This approach often causes the other person to become open to information about his or her blind spot without being so personally threatened.

People in authority should make pushing back and giving feedback legitimate. When you do receive feedback, you need to speak explicitly about it and express gratitude for it, however much it may hurt. If you don’t do this explicitly, a norm will develop which basically says that giving negative feedback and pushing back is a form of disloyalty and insubordination. Making “pushing back” legitimate, even a social norm, also frees the person with formal authority so that he or she can also “push back” without fearing it will hurt feelings, rupture a relationship or be taken as “the final word.” We all need feedback, particularly about our blind spots—those tender areas of weakness that we defend. This is why personal growth is so vital, because blind spots are not so tender. One’s sense of worth is intrinsic and doesn’t come from a particular weakness, known or blind.

I remember once having a strain with one of my neighbors because of how difficult it was for him to live so close to our large, noisy, sometimes disrespectful family—complete with a barking dog and glaring lights early in the morning and late at night, etc. I went to him and basically said that I wanted us to be good neighbors and would appreciate his giving me feedback about what we could do to improve things. He hesitated to speak, so I primed the pump a little by describing what it must be like to live next door to us. He then opened up with a gush of feelings, complaints and concerns that he and his wife had. But the more I listened, the more he seemed almost overwhelmed by my seeking this feedback, respecting it and trying to involve my family in an effort to improve. He also acknowledged that he had overreacted to many things and had blown the whole thing out of proportion—that much of what he was talking about was the inevitable chatter, complexity and confusion of a large family’s comings and goings. As we parted he said how grateful he was for the visit and how relieved he was.

FORGIVING

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it stands than to anything on which it is poured.

MAHATMA GANDHI

True forgiveness involves forgetting, letting it go, and moving on. While I was away on a business trip once I received a call from one of my managers, who wanted to resign because of how he was being criticized by his immediate superior. I asked him to hold off from making such a rash decision until we could get together. He said, “I’m not calling to counsel with you; I’m calling to inform you. I’m resigning.” I realized then that I had not listened to him, which I then proceeded to do. He then opened up a Pandora’s box of experiences, complaints and feelings, including even stronger ones from his wife. As I genuinely listened, the negative energy in his expression was dissipated, and on his own he agreed to visit with me as soon as I returned.

When I returned he brought his wife to my office, and they were pleasant on the surface. But as soon as we began to discuss the real issues, the deep anger and resentment gushed forth. I continued to listen until they felt understood, and then they became very open. I then taught them about the space between stimulus and response and how the greatest harm is not in what people do to us but in our response to what they do to us. They initially thought I was manipulating to get him to stay on. So I continued listening until other issues were expressed and understood, including how these issues at work had affected their own marriage and family life. It was truly like peeling off the layers of an onion until you reach the soft inner core.

By this time they were extremely open and teachable, so I emphasized again their power of choice and that they might consider asking his superior’s forgiveness for the resentment and anger the manager held for his superior. His response was, “What do you mean? You’ve turned this whole thing about. It’s not for us to seek forgiveness—it’s for him to seek our forgiveness.” More negative energy was released until they were extremely open to the whole idea that no one can do us any harm without our consent and that our chosen response is the key determiner of our life—that we are a product of our decisions, not our conditions. They were very humbled and agreed to think about it. He later called me on the phone and said that he had come to see the wisdom of the principle we’d discussed and accepted it, that he had gone to his boss and asked for forgiveness, that his boss was literally overwhelmed by this expression, that he in turn had asked his forgiveness, and that it had restored their relationship. My friend said to me that he and his wife had reached such a point of accepting the space between stimulus and response and the power of choice that even if they had been rebuffed in their sincere seeking of forgiveness, he was determined to stay on and make a success of things as best he could.

Forgiveness breaks the chain of causality, because he who “forgives” you—out of love—takes upon himself the consequences of what you have done. Forgiveness, therefore, always entails a sacrifice.4 DAG HAMMARSKJÖLD

It isn’t the poisonous snake bite that does the serious harm. It’s chasing that snake that drives the venom to the heart. Because we all make mistakes, we all need to forgive and be forgiven. It is better to focus on our own mistakes and ask forgiveness than to focus on other people’s mistakes, wait for them to ask for forgiveness first, or give it begrudgingly if they do. It is better to have the spirit of the one who prayed, “Oh Lord, please help me to forgive those who sin differently than I.” In this same spirit, C.S. Lewis said: When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to mind is that the provocation was so sudden or unexpected. I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. . . . Surely what a man does when he is taken off guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats; it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. . . . Now that cellar is out of reach of my conscious will . . . I cannot, by direct moral effort, give myself new motives. After the first few steps . . . we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God.5 A FINAL WORD ON TRUST

Much of my focus in this chapter on Building Trust has been on things we can consciously do to build relationships of trust with others—on creating trust, the noun.

But remember, trust is also a verb. I started Part 2 of this book with a story of how early in my adult life someone saw potential within me that far exceeded what I saw in myself. He saw beneath the surface, beyond the obvious and evident. He looked into my heart and eyes and spirit and saw the raw, undeveloped, unseen seeds of greatness that lie within each one of us.

So he entrusted me with a charge and responsibility far beyond my experience and perceived ability. He gave me his trust, without evidence, without proof. He simply believed and expected I would rise to the challenge, and he treated me accordingly. It was an act of faith. But that act of faith so affirmed my worth and potential that I was inspired to see it in myself. His faith in me increased my own faith and vision of myself. I aspired to the highest and most noble inclinations within me. I was not perfect, but how I grew! It also became a philosophy of life to me. Affirm people. Affirm your children. Believe in them, not in what you see but in what you don’t see their potential.

True and profound are the words of the poet Goethe, who said, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is; treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.” Trust becomes a verb when you communicate to others their worth and potential so clearly that they are inspired to see it in themselves.

Trust is not only the fruit of trustworthiness; it is also the root of motivation. It is the highest form of motivation. Love also becomes a verb. It is something you do; you love or serve others; you trust others; you see their worth and potential and provide opportunity and nourishment and encouragement. If they do not live true to this trust, it will deteriorate and they will not be inspired to see their own worth and potential. They won’t have the ability to communicate to others their worth and potential. To them, trust will not be a verb. In fact, it will be very hard for an untrustworthy person to trust anybody or to believe in anybody in a sustainable way.

Allow me to illustrate, with a story I share often, how love, like trust, can become a verb. At one seminar where I was speaking a man came up and said, “Stephen, I like what you’re saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I’m really worried. My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?” “The feeling isn’t there anymore?” I asked.

“That’s right,” he reaffirmed. “And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”

“Love her,” I replied.

“I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.”

“Love her.”

“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”

“Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”

“But how do you love when you don’t love?”

“My friend, love is a verb. Love—the feeling—is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They’re driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that love is a feeling. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.

Where is the very best place to give trust, to communicate people’s worth and potential? Without any question, it’s the family. If the family is dysfunctional, where is the next best place? The school. The teacher becomes like a surrogate parent who begins the trusting process again.

Remember the power you hold to give your trust to others. You may open yourself to the risk of being disappointed, and you will need to be wise in the exercise of this power. But when you do, you give a priceless gift and opportunity to others. The greatest risk of all is the risk of riskless living.

FILM: Teacher

I want you now to see another film that is the true story of Helen Keller and her teacher, Anne Sullivan. Helen Keller was deaf and blind; Anne Sullivan was legally blind herself and had a very neglectful and abusive childhood herself—but transcended it by finding meaning in serving one student, Helen Keller.

The life and contributions of Helen Keller are inspiring, amazing, and never ending. Tens of millions of people have been directly or indirectly influenced by her. But the key to Helen Keller was her teacher, Anne Sullivan. As you watch this film accessible from the Films menu at www.The8thHabit.com/offers, study it through the lens of the two roads the upper road to greatness and the lower to mediocrity. Study how, through her choices, Anne Sullivan became a person of vision, discipline, passion, governed by conscience and the moral authority that developed within her through sacrifice and overcoming adversity. Study how Helen Keller became a balanced, integrated, powerful person after living in darkness from birth. Study how the relationship of trust between Anne and Helen was formed through constant deposits, study the speedy, subtle communication that was enabled the patience, the persistence, the understanding and the bonding that took place.

In short, it is a beautiful story of two magnificent persons who found their own voices and devoted their lives to inspiring others to find theirs “breathing life into” countless numbers throughout the world.

QUESTION & ANSWER

Q: How do you improve attitude? There’s nothing more cancerous to an organization than negative attitudes. How do you deal with that?

A: Let me attempt an answer at three levels:

First, at the personal level, be an example of one with a positive attitude one who avoids the metastasizing cancers of complaining, criticizing, comparing, competing and contending. Seriously, there is nothing more powerful than to be around a person who is a light, not a judge; who is a model, not a critic.

Second, give a little personal one-on-one time to build a relationship with the person who seems to have a sour or negative attitude. Negative attitudes are really a symptom of deeper things going on. People need to feel understood. Seeking to understand another is so therapeutic, so healing and so affirming to them that oftentimes you end up working on the roots rather than just sniping about the lack of fruits.

Third, sometimes there are other forces at play stronger than your example or your relationship with a person. Sometimes you simply have to smile and not obsess about it. This keeps the negativity cancer from metastasizing. Remember, when you build your emotional life on the weaknesses of others, including their negative attitudes, you disem-power yourself and empower their negative attitudes to continue to metastasize their cancer cells through the culture. You can’t change all things; you can’t change people; you can only change yourself. However, I have found that sometimes if people can develop a skill or competency that is in alignment with a fundamental gift or talent that they have, their attitude toward themselves, toward others and toward life significantly improves. For example, let’s say you’re going to try to teach someone to play tennis. Would it be best to talk to them about their attitude if they seemed a little low or discouraged and negative? Would it be best to give them more knowledge about ground strokes and volleys? Or would it simply be best to get out there on the court, take the skill route, and have them literally practice the skills until they wanted more knowledge? You would then find their attitude naturally becoming more positive as they come to enjoy the game. These are three routes to make improvements: knowledge, skill and attitude. Most people focus on the attitude and knowledge routes. I suggest the key to those two is the skill route, people simply feel better about themselves and about life when they’re good at something.

Another question commonly asked: What is the best advice you’ve ever given as it relates to motivation?

My answer would be, first, be an example and a model and then affirm the worth and potential of other so clearly that they come to see it in himself or herself not just through your words but also through aligned reinforcing systems and incentives. We need to realize that both intrinsic and extrinsic motivations are important. The fire inside people is like a match; the way to ignite that flame is initially through friction, then other matches are lit through warmth. I’m not big on giving a lot of psych-up speeches, even though I do believe in enthusiasm. I really like Ken Blanchard’s teaching about catching people doing things right. They need to feel valued and appreciated, but they also need to feel that the work they are engaged in is worthy of their commitment and their best effort.

Another question: In the world of the internet, where you can often escape from face-to-face, how do you optimize new technologies in a way that doesn’t depersonalize the workplace, but still get the increased efficiencies that the new technologies can bring?

My answer is: in my judgment high-tech works in the long run only with high touch. Once you have a relationship, you can then think efficiently and operate efficiently. Technology enables you to be efficient, but it cannot take the place of the relationship. Remember, with people fast is slow and slow is fast. Technology, like the body, is a good servant but a bad master.