فصل 9

Chapter 9

THINK RIGHT TOWARD PEOPLE

HERE IS A BASIC rule for winning success. Let’s mark it in the mind and remember it. The rule is: Success depends on the support of other people. The only hurdle between you and what you want to be is the support of others.

Look at it this way: an executive depends on people to carry out his instructions. If they don’t, the company president will fire the executive, not the employees. A salesman depends on people to buy his product. If they don’t, the salesman fails. Likewise, a college dean depends on professors to carry forward his educational program; a politician depends on voters to elect him; a writer depends on people to read what he writes. A chain store magnate got to be a chain store magnate because employees accepted his leadership and consumers accepted his merchandising program.

There were times in history when a person could gain a position of authority through force and hold it with force and/or threats of force. In those days a man either cooperated with the “leader” or risked literally losing his head.

But today, remember, a person either supports you willingly or he doesn’t support you at all.

Now it’s time to ask, “Granted, I depend on others in order to achieve the success I want, but what must I do to get these people to support me and accept my leadership?” The answer, wrapped up in one phrase, is think right toward people. Think right toward people, and they will like and support you. This chapter shows how.

Thousands of times daily a scene like this takes place. A committee or group is in session. The purpose—to consider names for a promotion, a new job, a club membership, an honor—someone to be the new company president, the new supervisor, the new sales manager. A name is placed before the group. The chairman asks, “What is your feeling about so-and-so?” Comments come forth. For some names there are positive remarks, such as “He’s a good fellow. People there speak highly of him. He has a good technical background, too.” “Mr. F? Oh, he’s a personable sort of man, very human. I believe he would fit in well with our group.” Some names draw negative, lukewarm statements. “I think we should investigate that fellow carefully. He doesn’t seem to get along too well with people.” “I know he has a good academic and technical background; I don’t question his competence. But I am concerned about the acceptance he would receive. He doesn’t command much respect from people.” Now, here is an exceptionally important observation: In at least nine cases out of ten, the “likability” factor is the first thing mentioned. And in an overwhelmingly large number of cases, the “likability” factor is given far more weight than the technical factor.

The above holds true even in selecting scholars for university professorships. In my own academic experience I’ve sat in on a considerable number of occasions when names for new faculty personnel were under question. When a name came up, the group would weigh most carefully thoughts such as “Will he fit in?” “Will students like him?” “Will he cooperate with others on the staff?” Unfair? Unacademic? No. If the fellow isn’t likable, he can’t be expected to get through to his students with maximum effectiveness.

Mark this point well. A person is not pulled up to a higher-level job. Rather, he is lifted up. In this day and age nobody has time or patience to pull another up the job ladder, degree by painful degree. The individual is chosen whose record makes him stand higher than the rest.

We are lifted to higher levels by those who know us as likable, personable individuals. Every friend you make lifts you just one notch higher. And being likable makes you lighter to lift.

Successful people follow a plan for liking people. Do you? People who reach the top don’t discuss much their techniques for thinking right toward people. But you would be surprised how many really big people have a clear, definite, even written plan for liking people. Consider the case of President Lyndon Johnson. Long before he became president, Johnson, in the process of developing his amazing power of personal persuasion, developed his own ten-point formula for success. His rules, which even a casual observer of the president could see were practiced in everything he did, are quoted directly: 1. Learn to remember names. Inefficiency at this point may indicate that your interest is not sufficiently outgoing.

1. Be a comfortable person so there is no strain in being with you. Be an old-shoe kind of individual.

2. Acquire the quality of relaxed easy-going so that things do not ruffle you.

3. Don’t be egotistical. Guard against the impression that you know it all.

4. Cultivate the quality of being interesting so people will get something of value from their association with you.

5. Study to get the “scratchy” elements out of your personality, even those of which you may be unconscious.

6. Sincerely attempt to heal, on an honest basis, every misunderstanding you have had or now have. Drain off your grievances.

7. Practice liking people until you learn to do so genuinely.

8. Never miss an opportunity to say a word of congratulation upon anyone’s achievement, or express sympathy in sorrow or disappointment.

9. Give spiritual strength to people, and they will give genuine affection to you.

Living these ten simple but tremendously powerful “like people” rules made President Johnson easier to vote for, easier to support in Congress. Living these ten rules made President Johnson easier to lift.

Reread these rules. Notice that there’s no get-even philosophy here. There’s no let-the-other-fellow-come-to-me-to-patch-up-differences. There’s no I-know-it-all-other-people-are-stupid.

Big people, those on top in industry, the arts, sciences, and politics, are human, warm. They specialize in being likable.

But don’t try to buy friendship; it’s not for sale. Giving gifts is a wonderful practice if the gift is backed up with genuine sincerity, a liking to give and liking for the person to whom it is given. But without real sincerity the gift is often regarded as nothing more than a payoff or a bribe.

Last year, just a few days before Christmas, I was in the office of the president of a medium-sized trucking firm. Just as I was about to leave, in marched a delivery man with a gift of liquid refreshment from a local tire-recapping firm. My friend was obviously provoked and, with a certain amount of chill in his voice, asked the delivery man to return the gift to its sender.

After the delivery man left, my friend hastened to explain to me: “Don’t misunderstand. I like to give gifts and I like to get them.” Then he named a number of gifts he had already received from business friends that Christmas.

“But,” he went on, “when the gift is just an attempt to get my business, an obvious bribe, I don’t want it. I quit doing business with that firm three months ago because their work isn’t what it should be and I don’t like the employees. But their salesman keeps on calling.

“What burns me,” he continued, “is that last week that same damned salesman was in here and had the gall to say, ‘I sure would like to get your business back. I’m going to tell Santa to be real good to you this year.’ If I hadn’t sent their booze back, the first thing that so-and-so would’ve said to me next time he’s in is ‘I’ll bet you enjoyed our gift, didn’t you?’” Friendship can’t be bought. And when we try, we lose in two ways:

1. We waste money.

2. We create contempt.

Take the initiative in building friendships—leaders always do. It’s easy and natural for us to tell ourselves, “Let him make the first move.” “Let them call us.” “Let her speak first.” It’s easy, too, virtually to ignore other people.

Yes, it’s easy and natural, but it isn’t right thinking toward people. If you follow the rule of letting the other person build the foundation for friendship, you may not have many friends.

Actually, it’s a mark of real leadership to take the lead in getting to know people. Next time you are in a large group, observe something very significant: the most important person present is the one person most active in introducing himself.

It’s always a big person who walks up to you, offers his hand, and says, “Hello, I’m Jack R.” Digest this observation for a moment, and you’ll discover the reason the fellow is important is that he works at building friendships.

Think right toward people. As a friend of mine expresses it, “I may not be very important to him, but he’s important to me. That’s why I’ve got to get to know him.” Have you ever noticed how people freeze while waiting for elevators? Unless they are with someone they know, most folks never say anything to the person standing beside them. One day I resolved to do a little experimenting.

I resolved to say something to the stranger who was waiting as I was; I kept track of his reaction twenty-five consecutive times. And twenty-five times I got back a positive, friendly response.

Now, talking to strangers may not be very urbane, but most people like it nevertheless.. And here is the big payoff: When you make a pleasant remark to a stranger, you make him feel one degree better. This makes you feel better and helps you relax. Every time you say something pleasant to another person, you compensate yourself. It’s like warming up your automobile on a cold morning.

Here are six ways to win friends by exercising just a little initiative: 1. Introduce yourself to others at every possible opportunity—at parties, meetings, on airplanes, at work, everywhere.

1. Be sure the other person gets your name straight.

2. Be sure you can pronounce the other person’s name the way he pronounces it.

3. Write down the other person’s name, and be mighty sure you have it spelled correctly; understandably people have a thing about the correct spelling of their own names! If possible, get their address and phone number, also.

4. Drop a personal note or make a phone call to the new friends you feel you want to know better. This is an important point. Most successful people follow through on new friends with a letter or a phone call.

5. And last but not least, say pleasant things to strangers. It warms you up and gets you ready for the task ahead.

Putting these six rules to work is really thinking right about people. To be sure, it is not the way the average person thinks. Mr. “Average” never takes the initiative in making introductions. He waits for the other person to introduce himself first.

Take the initiative. Be like the successful. Go out of your way to meet people. And don’t be timid. Don’t be afraid to be unusual. Find out who the other person is, and be sure he knows who you are.

Recently an associate and I were retained to do a preliminary screening of an applicant for an industrial sales job. We found the applicant, whom we’ll call Ted, to have some good qualifications. He was exceptionally intelligent, made a fine appearance, and seemed to have a lot of ambition.

But we found something that forced us to disqualify him, at least temporarily. Ted’s big limitation was this: he expected perfection in other people. Ted was annoyed by many little things, like mistakes in grammar, people who were messy, people who had bad taste in clothes, and so on.

Ted was surprised to learn this fact about himself. But he was eager to get into higher-paying work, and he asked whether there was anything we could tell him to help overcome his weakness.

We made three suggestions:

1. Recognize the fact that no person is perfect. Some people are more nearly perfect than others, but no man is absolutely perfect. The most human quality about human beings is that they make mistakes, all kinds of them.

2. Recognize the fact that the other fellow has a right to be different. Never play God about anything. Never dislike people because their habits are different from your own or because they prefer different clothes, religion, parties, or automobiles. You don’t have to approve of what another fellow does, but you must not dislike him for doing it.

3. Don’t be a reformer. Put a little more “live and let live” into your philosophy. Most people intensely dislike being told “you’re wrong.” You have a right to your own opinion, but sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself.

Ted conscientiously applied these suggestions. A few months later he had a fresh outlook. He now accepts people for what they are, neither 100 percent good nor 100 percent bad.

“Besides,” he says, “the things that used to annoy the heck out of me I now find amusing. It finally dawned on me what a dull world this would be if people were all alike and everybody was perfect.” Note this simple but key fact: No person is all good and no person is all bad. The perfect person just doesn’t exist.

Now, if we let our thinking go uncontrolled, we can find much to dislike in almost anyone. By the same token, if we manage our thinking properly, if we think right toward people, we can find many qualities to like and admire in the same person.

View it this way. Your mind is a mental broadcasting station. This broadcasting system transmits messages to you on two equally powerful channels: Channel P (positive) and Channel N (negative).

Let’s see how your broadcasting system works. Suppose that today your business superior (we’ll call him Mr. Jacobs) called you into his office and reviewed your work with you. He complimented you on your work, but he also made some specific suggestions on how you can do it better. Tonight it’s only natural for you to recall the incident and do some thinking about it.

If you tune in Channel N, the announcer will be saying something like this: “Watch out! Jacobs is out to get you. He’s a crab. You don’t need any of his advice. To heck with it. Remember what Joe told you about Jacobs? He was right. Jacobs wants to grind you down like he did Joe. Resist him. Next time he calls you in, fight back. Better still, don’t wait. Tomorrow go in and ask him just what he really meant by his criticism.” But tune in Channel P, and the announcer will say something along these lines: “You know, Mr. Jacobs is a pretty good fellow. Those suggestions he made to me seem pretty sound. If I put them to use, I can probably do a better job and position myself for an increase. The old boy did me a favor. Tomorrow I’ll go in and thank him for his constructive help. Bill was right: Jacobs is a good man to work with…” In this specific case, if you listen to Channel N, you’re almost certain to make some bad, perhaps fatal, mistake in your relations with your superior. But if you are tuned to Channel P, you are definitely certain to benefit from your superior’s suggestions and at the same time draw yourself closer to him. He will appreciate that visit. Try it and see.

Bear in mind that the longer you stay tuned to either Channel P or Channel N, the more interested you become and the harder it is to switch channels. This is true because one thought, positive or negative, sets off a whole chain reaction of similar thought.

You may, for example, start off with such a simple minor negative thought as a person’s accent and find yourself soon thinking negatively about such unrelated topics as his political and religious beliefs, the car he drives, his personal habits, his relationship with his wife, even the way he combs his hair. And thinking this way surely won’t get you where you want to go.

You own it, so manage your thought broadcasting station. When your thoughts turn to people, make Channel P your listening habit.

If Channel N cuts in, say stop. Then switch channels. To make the switch, all you must do is think of one positive quality about the individual. In true chain reaction style, this one thought will lead to another and another. And you will be glad.

When you are alone, you and only you can decide whether you will listen to Channel P or Channel N. But when you are talking with someone else, that person has a measure of control over how you think.

We must remember that most people do not understand the concepts of thinking right toward people. So it’s a very common experience for people to come rushing to you, just aching to say something negative about a person you both know: a co-worker wants to tell you about the objectionable qualities of another employee; a neighbor wants to let you know the domestic problems of another neighbor; or a customer wants to itemize the faults of his competitor, whom you will call on next.

Thoughts breed like thoughts. There is real danger that if you listen to negative comments about another person, you too will go negative toward that person. In fact, if you are not on guard, you may actually find yourself adding fuel to the fire with “Yes, and that’s not all. Did you hear, …” type of comment.

These things backfire, boomerang.

There are two ways to prevent others from switching us from Channel P to Channel N. One way is to switch topics as quickly and quietly as possible with some remark like “Pardon me, John, but while I think of it, I’ve been meaning to ask you …” A second way is to excuse yourself with a “Sorry, John, I’m late now…” or “I’ve a deadline to meet. Will you excuse me?” Make a forceful promise to yourself. Refuse to let others prejudice your thinking. Stay tuned to Channel P.

Once you’ve mastered the technique of thinking only good thoughts about people, greater success is guaranteed. Let me tell you what an unusually successful insurance salesman told me about how thinking good thoughts about people pays off for him.

“When I first got in the insurance business,” he began, “the going was tough, believe me. At first it seemed there were about as many competing agents as there were prospects. And I soon learned what all insurance men know, that nine prospects out of ten firmly believe they don’t need any more insurance.

“I’m doing well. But let me tell you, it’s not because I know a lot about the technical side of insurance. That’s important, don’t misunderstand me, but there are men trying to sell insurance who know policies and contracts better than I. In fact, I know one man who wrote a book about insurance, but he couldn’t sell a policy to a man who knew he had only five days to live.

“My success,” he continued, “is based on one thing. I like, really like the guy I’m selling. Let me say again, I really like him. Some of my fellow salesmen try to pretend they like the other fellow, but this won’t work. You can’t even fool a dog. Your mannerisms, eyes, facial expressions, all spell p-h-o-n-y when you pretend.

“Now, when I’m gathering information about a prospect, I do what every other agent does. I get his age, where he works, how much he makes, how many kids he’s got, and so on.

“But I also get something else which most salesmen never search for—that is, some sound reasons why I can like the prospect. Maybe the job he’s doing will supply the reason, or perhaps I can find it someplace in his past record. But I find some good reasons to like him.

“Then, whenever my attention is focused on the prospect, I review the reasons why I like him. I build a likable image of the prospect before I say one word to him about insurance.

“This little technique works. Because I like him, he sooner or later likes me. Pretty soon, instead of sitting across the table from him, I’m on the same side with him, and we’re working out his insurance plan together. He trusts and believes in my judgment because I am a friend.

“Now, people don’t always accept me right off the bat, but I’ve found that so long as I continue to like a fellow, he’ll come around, and we can get down to business, “Just last week,” my friend went on, “I was making the third call on a difficult prospect. He met me at the door, and before I could even say ‘Good evening,’ he proceeded to give me hell. He went on and on, not even stopping for a breath until he had run down and finished with, And don’t ever come back here again.’ “After he had said that, I just stood there looking into his eyes for about five seconds, and then said softly and with genuine sincerity, because I meant it, ‘But Mr. S., I’m calling tonight as your friend.’ “Yesterday he bought a $250,000 endowment policy.”

Sol Polk is popularly called the appliance king of Chicago. Starting with nothing, Sol Polk now sells millions of dollars’ worth of appliances in a year in metropolitan Chicago.

Sol Polk credits a lot of his success to his attitude toward shoppers. “Customers,” says Mr. Polk, “should be treated like they are guests in my home.” Isn’t that thinking right toward people? And isn’t it about the simplest success formula one can put to work? Just treat customers like guests in your home.

This technique works outside the store too. Substitute the word employees for customers so that it reads “employees should be treated like guests in my home.” Give first-class treatment to your employees, and you get first-class cooperation, first-class output. Think first class about everyone around you, and you’ll receive first-class results in return.

One of the reviewers of an early version of this book is a close personal friend who owns his own business management consulting firm. When he read the above illustration, he commented, “That’s the positive result of liking and respecting people. Let me give you a personal experience of a friend of mine which shows what happens if you don’t like and admire people.” His experience has a big point. Here it is!

“My firm obtained a contract to provide consulting services to a relatively small soft drink bottling concern. The contract was substantial. The client had little formal education. His business was in bad shape, and in recent years he had made some very costly mistakes.

“Three days after we had got the contract, an associate and I were driving out to his plant, which was about forty-five minutes from our offices. To this day I don’t know how it started, but somehow we began talking about the negative qualities of our client.

“Before we realized it, we were talking about how his own stupidity had brought about the mess he was in, instead of discussing how we could best approach solving his problems.

“I remember one remark I made which I thought particularly clever—“The only thing holding up Mr. F. is fat.’ My associate laughed and came up with an equally choice observation: ‘And that son of his. Junior must be all of thirty-five but the only qualification he has for the job he’s holding is he speaks English.’ “The whole drive out, we talked about nothing else but what a weak-minded numbskull we had as a client.

“Well, the conference that afternoon was cold. Looking back, I think our client sensed somehow the way we felt toward him. He must have thought: ‘These fellows think I’m stupid or something, and all they’re going to do for my money is give me some smooth-sounding talk.’ “Two days later I got a two-sentence letter from this client. It said, ‘I’ve decided to cancel our contract for your consulting services. If there is a charge for your services to date, please bill me.’ “Printing ourselves with negative thoughts for only forty minutes cost us a contract. What made it even more painful was learning about a month later that this former client had contracted with an out-of-town firm for the professional assistance he needed.

“We would never have lost him had we concentrated on his many fine qualities. And he has them. Most people do.” Here’s how you can have some fun and discover a basic success principle at the same time. For the next two days listen in on as many conversations as you can. Note two things: which person in the conversation does the most talking and which person is the more successful.

Hundreds of my own little experiments have revealed this: The person who does the most talking and the person who is the most successful are rarely the same person. Almost without exception, the more successful the person, the more he practices conversation generosity, that is, he encourages the other person to talk about himself, his views, his accomplishments, his family, his job, his problems. Conversation generosity paves the way to greater success in two important ways: 1. Conversation generosity wins friends.

1. Conversation generosity helps you learn more about people.

Remember this: the average person would rather talk about himself than anything else in this world. When you give him the chance, he likes you for it. Conversation generosity is the easiest, simplest, and surest way there is to win a friend.

The second benefit of conversation generosity, learning more about other people, is important, too. As we said in Chapter 1, people are what we study in our success lab. The more we can learn about them, their thought processes, their strong and weak points, why they do what and as they do, the better equipped we are to influence them effectively, in the way that we want.

Let me illustrate.

A large New York advertising agency, like all advertising agencies, specializes of course in telling the public why it should buy the products it advertises. But this agency does something else, too. It requires its copywriters to spend one week each year behind counters so they can listen to what people say about the products they promote. Listening provides the clues these copywriters need to write better, more effective ads.

Many progressive businesses conduct so-called terminal interviews with employees who are leaving. The reason is not to sell the employees on staying with the company but to find out why he is quitting. Then the company can bring about improvements in its employee relations. Listening pays off.

Listening pays off for the salesman, too. Often people think of a good salesman as a “good talker” or a “fast talker.” Sales managers, however, are not as impressed by a good talker as they are by a good listener, a fellow who can ask questions and get desired answers.

Don’t be a conversation hog. Listen, win friends, and learn.

Courtesy practiced in every relationship with another person is the finest tranquilizer you can use. No commercial preparation is one-tenth as effective in relaxing you as doing little things for other people. Thinking right toward people removes frustrations and stress. When you boil it all down, the big cause of stress is negative feelings toward other people. So think positive toward people and discover how wonderful, really wonderful this world is.

The real test for thinking right toward people comes when things don’t go exactly the way we want. How do you think when you’re passed up for a promotion? Or when you fail to win an office in a club you belong to? Or when you’re criticized for the job you’ve done? Remember this: how you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.

The answer for thinking right toward people when things don’t go exactly our way comes from Benjamin Fairless, one of the 20th century’s most outstanding persons. Mr. Fairless, who rose from very modest circumstances to become chief executive of the United States Steel Corporation, said this (quoted in Life magazine, October 15, 1956): “It depends on how you look at things. For example, I never had a teacher I hated. Naturally I was disciplined just like every other pupil, but I always figured it was my fault that the discipline was necessary. I have also liked every boss I ever had. I always tried to please him and do more than he expected if I possibly could, never less.

“I have had some disappointments, times when I greatly wanted a promotion and somebody else got it. But I never figured that I was the victim of ‘office politics’ or prejudice or bad judgment on the boss’s part. Instead of sulking or quitting in a huff, I reasoned things out. Obviously the other fellow deserved the promotion more than I did. What could I do to make myself deserving of the next opportunity? At the same time I never got angry with myself for losing and never wasted any time berating myself.” Remember Benjamin Fairless when things go wrong. Just do two things: 1. Ask yourself, “What can I do to make myself more deserving of the next opportunity?” 2. Don’t waste time and energy being discouraged. Don’t berate yourself. Plan to win next time.

IN A CAPSULE, PUT THESE PRINCIPLES TO WORK

Make yourself lighter to lift. Be likable. Practice being the kind of person people like. This wins their support and puts fuel in your success-building program.

Take the initiative in building friendships. Introduce yourself to others at every opportunity. Make sure you get the other person’s name straight, and make certain he gets your name straight too. Drop a personal note to your new friends you want to get to know better.

Accept human differences and limitations. Don’t expect anyone to be perfect, Remember, the other person has a right to be different. And don’t be a reformer.

Tune in Channel P, the Good Thoughts Station. Find qualities to like and admire in a person, not things to dislike. And don’t let others prejudice your thinking about a third person. Think positive thoughts toward people—and get positive results.

Practice conversation generosity. Be like successful people. Encourage others to talk. Let the other person talk to you about his views, his opinions, his accomplishments.

Practice courtesy all the time. It makes other people feel better. It makes you feel better too.

Don’t blame others when you receive a setback. Remember, how you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.