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4

THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION

If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.

—ZIG ZIGLAR

In this chapter I will give you some additional tools for your friendship toolbox: the “Laws of Attraction.” These “laws” describe certain factors that, when present, serve to heighten the probability that two individuals will be drawn to each other and experience a positive outcome when they interact. Because these laws play a critical role in shaping human relationships, if you can incorporate them into your own relationship interactions they will provide additional ways for you to make friends with the people you meet.

Think of each Law of Attraction as a tool to enhance your relationship effectiveness. You don’t have to use them all to achieve your friendship objectives; in fact, you shouldn’t, because some of the laws are not congruent with your personal characteristics or are designed to work with long- versus short-term relationships (a onetime encounter with a sales clerk as opposed to the development of a lasting friendship). Pick the ones that suit you the best and go with those when interacting with persons of interest.

THE LAW OF SIMILARITY (“COMMON GROUND”)

People who share the same perspectives, attitudes, and activities tend to develop close relationships. The adage “Birds of a feather flock together” has merit. People are attracted to other people who share their interests. The need to avoid cognitive dissonance may explain why this is true. Dissonance occurs when people hold two opposing ideas or beliefs. This real or perceived difference creates anxiety.

People holding similar views reinforce one another and thereby enhance the likelihood of mutual attraction. Similarity also increases the probability that like-minded individuals will meet again. Mutual reinforcement maintains or elevates self-esteem, which leads to a greater sense of well-being and happiness.

People who share the same principles and beliefs rarely experience dissonance and feel secure in the sameness they share with each other. These individuals tend to experience less conflict because they perceive the world in similar ways. Sameness leads to the perception of greater happiness and a feeling of being understood. When people first meet, even the perception of sameness will increase mutual attraction.

CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH

Early in my career, I noticed that most FBI agents looked alike and shared the same views. This can be explained by the psychological principle of similarity and attraction. FBI agents sitting on hiring boards tended to hire new agents who were most like themselves. When the newly hired agents gained enough seniority to participate in the hiring process, they also unconsciously selected individuals who were most like them. Over the decades, the FBI became populated by agents who shared the same views, dressed alike, and looked alike.

With the advent of affirmative action, more women and minorities were included in the FBI ranks. When these individuals gained seniority and sat on hiring boards, they tended to select applicants who were most like themselves. Based on the psychological principle of similarity and attraction, current FBI agents as well as most U.S. businesses more closely reflect the diversity of the American population today.

Commonalities connect people. Finding common ground quickly establishes rapport and a fertile environment for developing friendships. Aristotle wrote, “We like those who resemble us, and are engaged in the same pursuits. . . . We like those who desire the same things as we [do].” Developing relationships is easy if you can find common ground with another person. People automatically think that other people think like they do, especially when meeting an individual for the first time. Thus when you first meet another individual, you can build on this predisposition by seeking things you have in common.

When assessing someone from a distance, look for potential commonalities. These can be found, for example, in the way people dress. An individual wearing a shirt embossed with a sports team logo suggests that he or she has at least a passing interest in the team. Even if you don’t favor the same team, you can use the information to start a conversation, particularly if you have any interest in sports.

What a person is doing can also serve as a basis for establishing common ground. If a person is walking a dog, reading a book, or pushing a baby carriage it provides you with valuable information for identifying potential conversation openers and/or similar interests.

Tattoos can also provide clues to people’s interests. Tattoos are permanent. Most of the time when people get one, they put some thought into the type of tattoo they want and where it should be placed on their bodies. A small tattoo of a marijuana leaf placed on a prominent part of a person’s body projects a strongly held attitude. If you are strongly opposed to the use of weed, it might be best to look elsewhere for a friend who shares more compatible beliefs.

The way a person interacts with others can also provide clues to their personal disposition. A person who slumps in a chair and does not easily interact with others has a different disposition than someone who sits upright and easily engages those around them. If your personality differs significantly from the person across from you, the probability of developing a close relationship significantly diminishes.

After you make initial contact with a person, listening to what they say can provide you with additional clues to their likes and dislikes. Make a conscious effort to direct the conversation toward the things you have in common. Talking about shared experiences, interests, hobbies, jobs, or any number of other common topics enhances rapport and the development of friendships. Here are a few illustrations of how quickly you can find common ground with other individuals.

CONTEMPORANEOUS EXPERIENCE

A contemporaneous experience means that you and the person you just met share the same interests or attitudes. For example, if you spot someone wearing a shirt with a Chicago White Sox logo and you are a White Sox fan, then you share a contemporaneous interest in that team. However, just because someone is wearing a White Sox shirt does not automatically mean he or she is a White Sox fan. In addition to building rapport, empathic statements can be used to explore observations or hypotheses you may develop regarding the person you just met. Consider the following conversation:

BRYAN: Hi, my name is Bryan. What’s yours?

CHRISTINE: Christine.

BRYAN: So you must be a White sox fan. (empathic statement)

CHRISTINE: I’ve been a Sox fan all of my life.

BRYAN: Me too.

By using an empathic statement, Bryan learned that both he and Christine were passionate about the White Sox. Once common ground has been established, Bryan can now focus on that topic and the conversation will flow naturally. If Brian is not a Sox fan, he could retreat to their shared general interest in baseball, as in this exchange:

BRYAN: Hi, my name is Bryan. What’s yours?

CHRISTINE: Christine.

BRYAN: So you must be a White Sox fan. (empathic statement)

CHRISTINE: I’ve been a Sox fan all my life.

BRYAN: I like baseball, but I’m a Cubs fan.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I don’t follow minor-league baseball.

(Note: It’s obvious that Christine, besides having a sense of humor, has disdain for her favorite team’s crosstown rival!) Once it has been established that Christine and Bryan share an interest in baseball but root for different teams, Bryan could use that information to spark a lively conversation on the pros and cons of each ball club.

People who share the same hometowns can quickly build friendships, especially when they meet outside those geographical boundaries. Shared job interests, political positions, religious beliefs, mutual friends, and similar experiences are good topics to explore for common ground.

If you are having a difficult time finding contemporaneous common ground, talk about music. As mentioned earlier, the one thing that most people have in common with each other is music. Music is a neutral topic that most people are willing to talk about, even if their listening tastes differ.

TEMPORAL EXPERIENCES

Experiences shared across time, such as attendance at the same school, military service, or living in the same area, enhance opportunities for making friends. You may not have shared the experiences at the same time, but you can reach across time to seek common ground.

VICARIOUS EXPERIENCES

A vicarious experience occurs when you live out a lifestyle or activity through the revelations of another person. You can use vicarious experiences to establish common ground with another person even when, in reality, you know very little about the subject matter being discussed. This approach is particularly effective because it allows your person of interest to talk about themselves and something they most likely are interested in. This makes them feel good about themselves, and because you are the one providing the impetus for that feeling, you are seen in a positive light (the Golden Rule of Friendship in action). This is a favorite technique for salespeople to use because they can find common ground with a customer even when they don’t know much about what the customer is talking about. Here is an example:

CAR SALESPERSON: What do you do for a living?

CUSTOMER: I’m a baker.

CAR SALESPERSON: Really? My father was a baker.

The car salesperson doesn’t have to know anything about being a baker because his father was a baker. You can use the same technique to seek common ground when you meet someone for the first time.

AUDREY: Where do you work?

SUSAN: I’m a financial planner.

AUDREY: Interesting. My sister is an accountant.

Most of us have family members or extended family members who are employed in the same or similar occupations as the people we speak with. In Audrey’s case, her sister is an accountant, which is a similar field to financial planning. If you don’t have a family member or relative working in the same or similar field as your person of interest, think of a friend who is. Using the technique of vicarious experiences can pay dividends whenever you are trying to establish a relationship. Exercise caution, however: Do not lie to the person you are meeting for the first time. If your relationship blossoms, then the truth may be revealed. Broken trust, especially occurring at the beginning of a relationship, can quickly turn off the Like Switch.

THE LAW OF MISATTRIBUTION

Sometimes making friends is simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time. When people feel good about themselves and do not attribute the good feeling to a specific cause, they tend to associate the cause of that good feeling with the person who is physically close to them at the time. If you happen to be that person, you’re going to benefit and be liked not for anything you did but because of the “misattribution.” In a sense, what we have here is a case of collateral benefit rather than collateral damage.

Consider this example. When people exercise, their brains release endorphins. The release of endorphins gives these individuals a nonspecific sense of well-being. Since the effect of the endorphins is not directly attributed to exercise, the good feeling tends to be linked to another person, if one happens to be nearby. Think of it as the “collateral benefit.” Since that good feeling is “misattributed” to the nearby person, he or she is subconsciously seen as the cause of the good feeling and, therefore, appears more attractive.

How can you use this information to get someone to like you? Actually, you can take advantage of this phenomenon in a number of ways. If you are in shape, you can arrange a meeting around an exercise activity, join a fitness club, or participate in sports (organized walks or runs—“fun” or otherwise—provide a great opportunity for misattribution to work).

USING MISATTRIBUTION TO GET A DATE: “EXERCISE” YOUR OPTIONS

Let’s assume you want to ask a person of interest on a date and want to increase your chances of getting a positive response. Using the Law of Misattribution might do the trick. If you discover that the person you want to meet jogs or exercises regularly, arrange for a “chance meeting” during or shortly after he or she completes their exercise regimen. The encounter does not have to include a verbal exchange. Simply sharing the same space can induce misattribution and will make you appear more attractive. If both you and your person of interest work out, try to arrange your workout time to coincide with theirs. Being nearby during the exercise will produce the collateral benefits already discussed. If the person you want to meet is a coworker who exercises, be in the vicinity of their office or cubicle when they return from their physical activity. Likewise, if you know the person you are interested in goes to a coffee shop every day after his or her exercise routine, make sure you are present at the shop at the time they arrive.

What you are trying to do is take advantage of the misattribution principle and increase your attractiveness in the eyes of the other person by being associated with the good feelings that come about through the release of exercise-related endorphins. To accomplish this objective, you need to be in close physical proximity to the person during or soon after the endorphins are released.

Surprisingly, misattribution also occurs when people experience frightening events or traumatic experiences. People feel closer relationships with others with whom they share the same frightening or traumatic experiences. Soldiers who survive harrowing battles form deep bonds with their comrades in arms. Police officers develop close relationships with their partners after they share traumatic experiences. In the days when it was allowed (or tolerated), “hazing” of sorority and fraternity pledges brought those who survived the ordeal closer together and often created lasting friendships.

A scary movie can evoke the same response. If you go with someone to a scary movie, the shared frightful experience triggers misattribution, which in turn increases attraction between the moviegoers. For that reason, arranging to see a scary movie is ideal for a first date because it increases the chance for mutual attraction in a new relationship. Likewise, if your long-term relationship with someone is waning, go skydiving or bungee jumping, ride a roller coaster, or pursue other activities that create the perception of danger. The shared experience will bring you closer together and reinvigorate your friendship or romance.

THE LAW OF CURIOSITY

Curiosity can be used as a “hook” to increase intensity (Friendship Formula) and pique a person’s interest in you. It is an effective way to make friends. All creatures capable of more than a mere mechanical response to stimuli are curious. It is a biological imperative, driven by the need for self-preservation, reproduction, and greed. Humans want to know everything: who we are, who others are, where we came from and when, what’s on the other side of the hill, and the shape, size, composition, longevity, and distance of everything from quarks to the universe.

In order to survive, animals above the primitive level must understand the niche in which they live. In addition, they must discover any changes in that niche to be able to respond to them appropriately and effectively. Since it is personal survival that the individual is concerned about, the changes in the immediate vicinity—those that will affect him or her personally—are the most important.

The most effective way to discover changes is to go looking for them. Thus, a noise in the bushes draws the cat’s attention, followed by a slow, stealthy stalk (no sense charging into trouble). The noise might be prey, it might be a predator, or it could be the automatic sprinkler coming on. This curiosity can lead to a meal, a timely escape, or an inadvertent bath. In any case, it must be investigated.

When you behave in a manner that produces curiosity in another person, it significantly increases the chances that individual will want to interact with you in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity. Thus, a “curiosity hook” becomes an effective tool to meet a person of interest and develop a friendship. I used the Law of Curiosity regularly as an FBI agent to enhance my recruiting effectiveness of foreign nationals. At one point during my FBI career, a North Korean moved into my jurisdiction. There was reason to suspect he was an agent for his government and I was given the assignment to try to get the guy to become a double agent. I knew if I simply walked into the photo shop where he worked and said, “I’m Jack Schafer with the FBI, can we talk?” the guy would have probably panicked and bolted from the store. So I decided to use a curiosity hook to try to reel him in.

First, I went into his store when I knew he wasn’t there and left him a note saying, “Sorry I missed you,” and signed it, “Jack Schafer.” I did this on three separate occasions. On the third visit, I added my phone number to the note I left behind. All these messages were designed to pique the North Korean’s curiosity. Who is this Jack Schafer and why does he want to contact me? This was what I wanted the North Korean to be wondering, hoping that each new note would further arouse his curiosity. It worked. After receiving the note with my phone number, he called me and I was able to arrange a meeting with him later in the week.

THE LAW OF RECIPROCITY

Social norms dictate that if someone gives you something or performs a favor for you, large or small, then you are predisposed to return the gesture in like kind or in greater measure. Organizations take advantage of this law by mailing people return address labels, calendars, or other small trinkets along with a request for a donation. People are more likely to comply because they received something first and feel obligated to reciprocate in kind.

The Law of Reciprocity is a very effective tool for making friends. When you smile at someone, that person feels obligated to return the smile. A smile signals acceptance and liking. People like to be liked. The principle of reciprocity is triggered when people become aware that someone else likes them. Once a person discovers that another person likes them, they find that person more attractive. People tend to reciprocate the same feelings others extend to them. Reciprocity produces the most dramatic results when both parties to the inter­action form good first impressions of or have natural feelings toward the other person.

Not “You’re Welcome,” But . . .

The next time someone thanks you for something, don’t say, “You’re welcome.” Instead, say, “I know you’d do the same thing for me.” This response invokes reciprocity. The other person is now predisposed to help you when you ask them for a favor.

THE LAW OF SELF-DISCLOSURE

Reciprocity is also linked with openness in communication. Individuals who disclose more personal information with other people are more likely to receive a similar level of personal information in return. This phenomenon is further enhanced if the people who are communicating have shared interests.

Self-disclosure promotes attraction. People feel a sense of closeness to others who reveal their vulnerabilities, innermost thoughts, and facts about themselves. The sense of closeness increases if the disclosures are emotional rather than factual. This is partly due to the intensity of such disclosures, which positively affects the likability of the person making them.

Disclosures that are too general reduce the sense of openness, thus reducing the feeling of closeness and likability. Disclosures that are too intimate often highlight character and personality flaws of the person, thus decreasing likability. People who make intimate disclosures too early in a relationship are often perceived as insecure, which further decreases likability. Thus, if you are meeting someone who you would like to have as a long-term friend or significant other, you should be careful about making your most intimate disclosures in the early stages of the relationship.

Self-disclosure is a two-step process. First, a person has to make a self-disclosure that is neither too general nor too intimate. Second, the self-disclosure must be received with empathy, caring, and respect. A negative response made to a genuine self-disclosure can instantly terminate a relationship.

Self-disclosures are often reciprocal. When one person makes self-disclosures, the listener is more likely to reciprocate by making similar ones. The exchange of personal information creates a sense of intimacy in relationships. A relationship in which one person makes personal self-disclosures while the other person continues to make superficial disclosures is not progressing and is likely to end.

WANT TO INCREASE THE LONGEVITY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Use the Hansel and Gretel approach. Hansel and Gretel, in the classic fairy tale, set off into the woods, and to ensure that they can find their way back, they leave a trail of bread crumbs along the way. I recommend you use the “bread crumb” approach to distributing information about yourself. Relationships tend to wane over time. To increase the longevity of these liaisons, release self-disclosures over an extended period of time.

Once somebody finds a person whom they can trust, they are often tempted to open the emotional floodgates—telling too much too quickly—overwhelming their partner in the process. Disclosures should be made over a long period of time to ensure that the relationship slowly increases in intensity and closeness. A steady trickle of information, like Hansel and Gretel’s bread crumbs dropped one piece at a time, increases the longevity of the relationship because each partner continually feels the closeness that comes with a steady stream of self-disclosures.

Mutual self-disclosures create trust. People who make personal disclosures become vulnerable to the person to whom the disclosures are made. Mutual self-disclosures create a safety zone because each person has exposed their vulnerabilities and tends to protect all the disclosures to avoid mutual embarrassment resulting from a breach of trust.

Social network users tend to rely more on self-disclosures to create a sense of closeness because they do not receive verbal and nonverbal cues that would be otherwise exchanged in face-to-face communications. The veracity of information exchanged online is suspect, thus forcing individuals online to spend more time verifying information about each other. Once veracity has been established, the lack of a physical presence increases the probability of more intimate disclosures online, which in turn leads to the illusion of a closer relationship.

THE LAW OF PERSONAL ATTRACTIVENESS

Attractiveness is a tangible benefit for those who possess it. Even though it is said that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” the reality is that every culture has widely accepted standards of what is “attractive.” Although these standards might change over time, most members of the culture internalize the prevailing, current norm of what is considered beautiful or handsome.

Attractiveness is not “absolute.” You can become more attractive if you are willing to put some effort into achieving such a goal. According to Gordon Wainwright, author of Teach Yourself Body Language, anyone can increase their attractiveness to others if they maintain good eye contact, act upbeat, dress well, add a dash of color to their wardrobe, and listen well. Wainwright also stresses the importance of posture and bearing and suggests that for one week you stand straight, tuck in your stomach, hold your head high, and smile at those you meet. From the results of many experiments, Wainwright predicts you will begin to be treated with more warmth and respect and start ­attracting more people to you.

Attractive people are seen as having more positive attributes. Good-looking men and women are generally judged to be more talented, kind, honest, and intelligent than their less attractive counter­parts. Controlled studies show that people go out of their way to help attractive people, of the same or opposite sex, because they want to be liked and accepted by good-looking people.

Attractiveness can have financial implications. On a scale of less attractive to more attractive, less attractive people earn 5 to 10 percent less than individuals of average looks, who in turn earned 3 to 8 percent less than those deemed good-looking. Studies also show attractive students get more attention and higher evaluations from their teachers. Good-looking patients get more personalized care from their doctors, and attractive criminals receive lighter sentences than less attractive lawbreakers. One need look no further than Hollywood to see the impact beautiful movie stars have on our system of justice.

THE LAW OF HUMOR

Individuals who use humor in social encounters are perceived as more likable. In addition, both trust and attraction increase when a lighthearted approach is used during person-to-person interactions. Judicious use of humor can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood that helps a relationship to develop more rapidly. A slightly risqué joke can help to escalate the level of intimacy in a flirtatious conversation. Of course, as is the case with any verbal communication, the speaker must be sure that the words, or, in this case, the humor used, is appropriate and will not be perceived as offensive by the listener.

The added benefit to using humor is that laughing causes a release of endorphins, which makes you feel good about yourself, and, according to the Golden Rule of Friendship, if you make people feel good about themselves, they will like you. A woman who likes a particular man will laugh at his jokes, no matter how lame, more often and with more gusto than she will laugh at jokes told by a man in whom she has little romantic interest. This phenomenon further supports the Golden Rule of Friendship.

THE LAW OF FAMILIARITY

The more we meet and interact with people, the more likely we are to become friends. Behavioral scientist Leon Festinger and two colleagues studied relationships in a small two-story apartment building. They found that neighbors were most likely to be friends. The residents who were least likely to be friends were on separate floors. Those residents near ground-floor staircases and mailboxes had friends on both floors.

The Law of Familiarity points to the importance of proximity (a component of the Friendship Formula) in affecting relationships. People who share the same physical space are more likely to be attracted to one another. Proximity predisposes one person to like another person, even before they are formally introduced. Classroom seating charts can be good predictors of which students will become attracted to one another. In my class, I’ve observed that students who sit in the vicinity of each other are more likely to become friends as opposed to students who sit on opposite sides of the classroom. Likewise, in professional settings, romances and friendships can be predicted based on who sits next to whom.

The old adage “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is not necessarily true. The farther apart an engaged couple live from one another, the greater the probability their engagement will not survive.

THE LAW OF ASSOCIATION

When people associate in large groups, people on the outside of the group tend to assess individual members of the group based on their overall impression of the total group. So, when a less attractive individual wants to be seen as more attractive, he or she should associate with a group of attractive people. Conversely, an attractive person may be viewed as less attractive if he or she is in the company of unattractive people.

It seems that adult life doesn’t change all that much from high school. If you want to be “popular,” you still need to hang out with the popular people. In a business situation this means always try to “friend up,” not down. Who you associate with matters. If you want to be seen as successful, you need to hang out with successful people.

The Law of Association works differently when, instead of looking at how one person’s attractiveness is affected by being in a large group, the focus is on how people are compared and perceived when they are with just one or two others. In these circumstances, if a person wants to appear as more attractive, he or she should be seen in the company of a less attractive individual. This phenomenon helps explain the behavior of prospective buyers when they visit model homes. They leave their own homes, which are satisfactory in the morning. After spending all day looking at model homes, they return to what they now perceive as an unattractive home. Their house becomes less attractive because they compare it with the more elegant models they recently viewed.

THE LAW OF SELF-ESTEEM

People like to associate with individuals who display high levels of self-esteem. Thus, such individuals have an easier time attracting others and making friends. Individuals with high levels of self-esteem are also self-confident and comfortable with being the center of attention. They are also comfortable with self-disclosure, which is a building block in creating close personal relationships.

To people with high self-esteem, rejection is part of life, not a reflection on their self-worth. Conversely, people with low self-esteem are reluctant to disclose personal information. Their inability to make self-disclosures serves as a defense mechanism to guard against criticism and rejection. Self-disclosure is the path to closer personal relationships; unfortunately, for a person with low self-esteem it is the “path less traveled.” Ironically, it is the fear of self-disclosure that can lead to the rejection a person with low self-esteem is trying to avoid.

A fine line exists between self-esteem and arrogance. Arrogant people often feel superior and set themselves apart from others. For this reason, they are perceived as being “different.” As a result, the probability of mutual attraction is significantly reduced, except with other arrogant individuals who share their attitudes and behavior.

In American society, men and women often define self-worth in different ways. In the most general terms men derive a sense of self-esteem and social status from their ability or potential ability to earn money, impress women, and own high-priced objects like nice cars and real estate. Conversely, though the American marketplace is experiencing a remarkable shift with more women graduating from college than men, it is still true that many women gain a sense of self-esteem and social status through displays of physical beauty, youthfulness, and relationships with others. These differences are evident when game show hosts ask contestants to briefly describe themselves. Male contestants usually describe themselves by their occupations (“I am an electrician”), whereas, women characterize themselves by their relationships (“I am a wife and mother of three children”). As more women work outside the home, they, too, may begin to identify with their professions instead of their relationships.

When it comes to establishing short- or long-term romantic relationships, high-status women (young and physically attractive) tend to couple with high-status men (high earning potential and disposable income). This pattern of mate selection parallels typical mating strategies. Men select young and physically attractive women to ensure procreation and women select high earners with disposable incomes to achieve the security necessary to raise children. Men with lower self-esteem tend to select women who are less physically attractive and women with lower self-esteem tend to select mates who are lower income earners and with less disposable income.

Sometimes lower-status individuals will try to “fake” higher status in an attempt to establish relationships with people “out of their league.” For example, a man might pretend to be a high-income earner by lavishing a woman with expensive gifts, driving a car he cannot afford, and spending money he does not have. This strategy, although effective in the short run, usually ends catastrophically as time passes and the suitor, unable to afford his ruse, is unmasked and his true worth revealed.

DON’T BANK ON IT

One of my students told me of a common ruse that he and his friends often employ on nights out. On the way to a bar, they will stop by a large bank’s ATM and pick through dropped receipts until they find ones that have especially large balances printed on them. These they pocket for later. Then, if the student or one of his friends meets a girl who is above his financial standing, he will casually write his phone number on the back of the purloined receipt—creating the illusion that he is a wealthy man.

THE LAW OF AVAILABILITY (SCARCITY)

People are attracted to individuals and things they cannot readily obtain. In the case with things, people are more attracted to a coveted object because it is out of their reach. When the object of desire is finally gained, the attraction for the object rapidly diminishes. Christmas presents provide a good example of this phenomenon. Toys children wanted all year long are discarded several days after they are retrieved from gift boxes under the tree. The Law of Availability also holds true for human interaction, particularly in the early stages of a developing relationship. The dating rule your mom swore by has scientific merit. An individual should not always make him or herself readily available to the person they are targeting for a longer-term relationship. A certain level of unavailability will make you more of a mystery and a challenge.

Remember Vladimir, the spy discussed in the Introduction? As you may recall, after days of reading the newspaper and sitting silently with Vladimir, he asked me why I kept coming back day after day. I folded the newspaper over, looked at him, and said, “Because I want to talk to you.” Then I immediately returned the newspaper to the upright position and continued reading, ignoring him. This action further increased Vladimir’s curiosity and created scarcity. Finally, Vladimir made up his mind to talk to me and I ignored him, increasing Vladimir’s drive to talk to me.

INCREASED RESTRAINT INCREASES DRIVE

Parents are fully aware of this law! If you tell your children not to do something, they want to do it all the more. My own daughter went through a teenage phase of testing her mom and me. She once brought home a young man to meet us. He had four-inch-high gelled prongs that stood atop his head, tattoos covering most of his exposed skin, and a motorcycle in our driveway. I cordially greeted him without saying what I really felt about him or how disappointed I was with my daughter’s choice of companion.

The next day, my daughter asked me what I thought of the young man. I wanted to command her never to see him again, but I knew that if I increased restraint, she would be that much more motivated to continue to date him. Instead, I chose the following strategy. I told my daughter that her mother and I raised her to make good judgments and that we trusted her decisions. If she felt the young man was a good person to have in her life, we would support her decision.

I never saw him again.

Fast-forward ten years. My daughter is now twenty-six years old. We sat in the kitchen reminiscing about her teen years. To my surprise, she brought up the young man. She admitted that she brought him home to make her mom and me mad for some now forgotten transgression we committed. She further admitted that when I told her that I trusted her judgment and knew she would make the right decision, her conscience panged. She knew he was wrong for her and that she was wrong to bring him home to spite us. She commented that it was ironic that she intended to make us mad but, in the end, she was the one who felt guilty. It took ten years to know if my strategy worked or not. I was relieved to know that it did.

THE LAW OF THE ROCKY ROAD

When two people meet and do not immediately like one another, especially in a romantic context, and then bond at a later time, they form a closer relationship than if they had hit it off immediately. This phenomenon is frequently highlighted in “romcom” (romantic comedy) movies. In the usual scenario, a man meets a woman. The man does not like the woman and the woman doesn’t like the man. Before the film ends, they become romantically involved. A romantic rocky road often leads to a more intense romantic relationship.

A NEW STRATEGY TO BUTTERING UP THE BOSS: BUTTERING DOWN THE BOSS

I recall a time when I was assigned to a new supervisor. Instead of welcoming her with open arms, as did the rest of my squad mates, I purposefully remained distant and displayed neutral to slightly negative body language. Gradually, with each conversation we had, I began to display more positive nonverbal cues. I completed the turnaround several months later by telling her I thought she was a good supervisor and respected her strong managerial skills. From that day forward, we formed a closer relationship than if I had immediately accepted her. This closer relationship provided me with a distinct advantage when I asked for scarce investigative resources, time off, and other favors.

THE LAW OF PERSONALITY

There are literally hundreds of personality “types” or “characteristics” that have been identified in scientific and popular literature. They refer to consistent behavioral patterns exhibited by an individual in his or her everyday behavior. When somebody says, “that individual just isn’t my type,” they might be commenting on the person’s physical appearance or strongly held beliefs (for example, religious or political). However, in many cases they are referring to the individual’s personality, which is incongruent with their own.

Two pervasive personality types, extroversion and introversion, are of particular interest when it comes to personal interaction and the development of both short- and long-term relationships.

Extroverts, as compared to introverts, appear more attractive because they are seen as gregarious and self-confident. Prior to entering into any type of relationship, knowing whether the person you want to meet tends toward extroversion or introversion is useful information as it will give you an idea of what types of behavior you can expect to encounter.

If you are an extrovert and the person you want to meet is an intro­vert, expect to see some inherent differences in the way each of you perceives the world. Extroverts get their energy from being with other people and seek stimulation from their environments. Extroverts often speak spontaneously without thinking. They do not hesitate to use a trial-and-error method to arrive at a decision. Conversely, introverts expend energy when they engage socially and seek alone time to recharge their batteries. Introverts seek stimulation from within and seldom speak without thinking. They also carefully weigh options before making decisions.

Extroverts maintain a wide variety of relationships; however, those relationships tend to be relatively shallow. Introverts, on the other hand, have few relationships, but they are characterized by greater depth. Introverts who date extroverts typically seek a closer relationship to which extroverts are less willing to commit. This inability to reach a mutually satisfying level of commitment highlights dissimilarity, which ultimately reduces mutual attraction.

Extroverts use stream of consciousness to communicate. What they think, they say. This spontaneity often gets extroverts into trouble, particularly with introverts who think before they speak and are more easily embarrassed by what they consider to be personal information when it is blurted out by an extroverted companion. If you are an introvert who is thinking of becoming involved with an extrovert, be prepared for the unexpected when it comes to the words that come tumbling out of their mouth.

Generally, introverts and extroverts behave differently in social situations. Extroverts tend to be more outgoing when they don’t know many people. Introverts, on the other hand, tend to feel uncomfortable in large groups of unfamiliar people. However, when introverts are in the company of friends or are comfortable with their surroundings, they can become as outgoing as extroverts (for a while, at least).

One method to determine if a person is an extrovert is to begin a sentence and deliberately pause for a few seconds. Extroverts will generally complete the sentence for you. Introverts will not. The same method can be used to determine if you have established rapport with an introvert. When introverts are comfortable with the people they are with, they will often complete sentences in the same manner in which extroverts do. The difference in the use of this method is that you can identify extroverts even if you don’t know that the person you are speaking with is an introvert or an extrovert. To test rapport with an introvert, you must first determine that the person you are talking with is an introvert.

I recall a case I spent months investigating. Sufficient personal and biographical information was painstakingly gathered to determine what type of personality the suspect possessed. Based on that information, I custom-designed an investigative strategy to dovetail with the suspect’s personality. The key to the success of the operation was our secretary. Her assignment was to make a telephone call to the suspect that would initiate the operation. I rehearsed with the secretary until she was comfortable with her role. She made the telephone call but the suspect did not immediately take the bait. I encouraged her to engage the suspect in casual conversation to reassure him. The conversation became very casual and the suspect relaxed, and unfortunately so did the secretary. The suspect asked the secretary where she worked. She blurted out, “I work for the FBI.” Thus ended the undercover operation. In true extroverted fashion, the secretary spoke without thinking.

PERSONALITY AND PURCHASES

If you are a salesperson, you might want to consider if your customer is an extrovert or an introvert before making your pitch. Be sure to allow your introverted customers time to think about your sales proposal. Introverts take in information, mull it over, and then come to a decision. Pressing introverts to reach a quick decision may force them to say no because they are not comfortable making immediate decisions. Conversely, extroverts can be pressured to some degree to buy your product “right now” because they are more comfortable making impulsive decisions.

Rarely do people exhibit entirely extroverted or introverted characteristics. Personality traits fall somewhere along a continuum. Some people actually exhibit almost equal extroverted and introverted characteristics; however, most people do have a preference for one or the other, and behave accordingly.

Introverts can act like extroverts when required to do so. If, for example, an introvert has a job that requires them to be outgoing and gregarious, they can do it, although it is more taxing to behave in such a manner than it would be if they were natural extroverts. Moreover, when they are off the job, they return to being introverts. These contrasting lifestyles rarely conflict because a person’s working world and private world normally don’t overlap.

The same can’t be said when it comes to personal relationships. If introverts act like extroverts when they first meet someone, the person they are seeing often receives a shock if the relationship continues and the introvert reverts to their “normal” behavior. Revealing your true personality when first meeting someone is far better than engaging in a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde approach when you want to develop healthy, strong relationships.

THE LAW OF COMPLEMENTARITY (GIVING COMPLIMENTS)

People like to be complimented. It makes them feel good about themselves and, according to the Golden Rule of Friendship, they are going to feel good about you. The result: a better chance to make a friend or strengthen an existing friendship.

Compliments, to be effective, should be sincere and deserved. Paying someone a compliment when you don’t really believe what you’re saying or when the recipient of the compliment hasn’t earned the accolade is counterproductive to good relationship building and is lying (the antithesis of trust).

As author Steve Goodier notes: “Sincere compliments cost nothing and can accomplish so much. In ANY relationship, they are the applause that refreshes.” Use compliments when you get the opportunity; they work and are an effective tool in your friendship toolbox.