فصل دوم

chapter two: SECURE YOUR SHOULDER HARNESS

YOU WILL BE THRASHED ABOUT (SEVERELY AT TIMES)

Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre mind. Albert Einstein .

You’re a freak.

That’s right. A freak. And so am I. Don’t be offended—it’s a compliment. Every single person you have seen on the cover of SUCCESS is also a freak. In fact, they’re super freaky, and that’s probably how they got on the cover.

Let’s define freak.

noun

a person who is obsessed with or unusually enthusiastic about a specified interest

If that’s not a definition for an entrepreneur, I don’t know what is. No doubt you have to be “unusually enthusiastic” and pretty freaky to get on this roller coaster. Most don’t have the courage to even step into the car of this thrill ride. But you do, and that is exactly why they will call you a freak.

Not only are you rare in your courage, but it turns out you’re unusual for even wanting to ride in the first place—only about 10 percent of people are entrepreneurs. That means the other 90 percent are “normal.” Let’s define normal.

adjective

conforming to the standard or the common type; usual

Yuck!

The “usual,” “common type,” or “standard” societally normal folks (that big, herd-like 90 percent of us) don’t like it when a “freak” steps out of line. That kind of nonconformity threatens them. It challenges their choices and identity. Rather than step out themselves, it’s safer for them to scorn your choices and attack you, in hope of dragging you back into the herd so they can feel better about themselves.

“People scorn your entrepreneurial choice in hope of dragging you back into the herd so they can feel better about themselves.” @DarrenHardy JoinTheRide

So, yes. They will call you freak. They will call you crazy.

And that is good.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” —Apple Inc. ad, 1997, after Steve Jobs returned to Apple

So hello, crazy one! Welcome to the freak show!

The good news is you don’t have to catch cannonballs, swallow swords, or breathe fire in order to join this freak show. (Unless, of course, your business actually is running a circus.) The bad news is that being a freak can be painful at first.

BEWARE THE CRABS

I was once told about a type of crab that cannot be caught—it is agile and clever enough to get out of any crab trap. Yet these crabs are caught by the thousands every day, thanks to a particular human-like trait they possess.

The trap itself is simple: a wire cage with a hole at the top. Bait is placed in the cage, and lowered into the water. A crab comes along, enters the cage, and begins munching on the bait. A second crab sees the first crab and joins him. Then a third. For a time, it’s crab Thanksgiving. Eventually, though, all the bait is gone.

At this point the crabs could easily climb up the side of the cage and leave through the hole. But they don’t. They stay in the cage. And long after the bait is gone, even more crabs continue to climb inside the trap (they’re attracted by the crowd… sound familiar?).

Not one crab leaves. Why? Because if one crab realizes there’s nothing keeping him in the trap and tries to leave, the other crabs will do anything they can to stop him. They will repeatedly pull him from the side of the cage. If he is persistent, the others will tear off his claws to keep him from climbing. If he persists still, they will kill him.

The crabs—controlled by the power of the herd—stay together in the cage. All the fisherman needs is a tiny bit of bait. The rest is easy. Then the cage is hauled up, and it’s dinnertime on the pier.

Like crabs, most of the human world follows the crowd. This herd mentality has been conditioned in us by academia, corporate culture, media, and society. We are encouraged to follow the status quo. For most people, that means becoming an employee. And that’s exactly what 90 percent of the world becomes. When you decide to walk away from the 90 percent and step onto the entrepreneur roller coaster, you’re like a lone crab trying to leave the trap.

When you choose to become an entrepreneur—to be different—and walk out on that 90 percent, something strange happens. Instead of encouraging and supporting you, your friends, family, and colleagues become crabby and start trying to drag you back down into the “trap.” “Human crabs” don’t usually use physical force—they don’t rip your arms off. But they don’t need to. They have far more effective methods at hand (or in mouth, as the case may be): innuendo, doubt, ridicule, derision, mockery, sarcasm, scorn, sneering, belittlement, humiliation, jeering, taunting, teasing, and dozens more. These are the insidious tactics the “crabs” around you will use to “pull off your claws” and kill your dreams.

But why do they do it? Many of these people love you. Why would they want to hurt you (emotionally) and kill your hopes, dreams, and desire for something more?

“When you step outside the status quo, you become a giant mirror for those who stay, reflecting back their cowardice.” @DarrenHardy JoinTheRide

There are two key reasons:

1. You make them look bad. When you step outside the status quo, you become like a giant mirror that reflects the reality of their life back to them. They know they should be doing what you’re doing, but they’re afraid—and your choices make their cowardice all the more obvious. Instead of joining you, it’s easier to make fun of you or try to convince you that what you’re doing is foolish, risky, or destined to fail in the hopes that you will give up, come back to the pack, and take the mirror away.

2. They simply aren’t as courageous as you. They can’t get over the idea of leaving the security of the corporate bosom—their weekly employee paycheck and their meager “benefits.” What you’re doing just doesn’t fit their model of the world, and they aren’t brave enough to follow your lead. It’s easier to mock you than follow you.

I can tell you why your “crabs” will do what they do, but it’s still easy to be caught off guard by their crabby behavior.

When friends and family reject your business, it can hurt a lot more than the rejection you might experience at a job. A customer, a prospect, even a boss or colleague, can criticize, question, or say “no” while on the job, and it doesn’t hurt so much. It’s not you; it’s just work. But when friends and family reject your business venture, it feels far more personal. It hurts. “No” to your work at the office is one thing. “No” to your passion, your vision, the business you’ve fallen in love with is another. That “no” feels a lot like they’re saying “no” to you.

What you’ll soon realize, though, is that it’s not about you at all. They are really saying “no” to themselves. They’re rejecting their own inner voice that prods them to do more. To step out. To be brave. To take risks… like you.

“People don’t resent you for being brave. They resent themselves for being afraid.”

@DarrenHardy JoinTheRide

They aren’t resentful of you. They’re resentful of themselves.

But it still hurts. And it can derail you if you’re not prepared. Anyone who has a dream—one that might get him or her out of their day-job-crab-trap—had best beware of the fellow inhabitants of that trap. They’re part of your roller coaster ride, and they can be very persistent in trying to drag you from the tracks.

This chapter is about dealing with “crabs” and other dips and drops on the entrepreneur roller coaster. It’s about accepting and loving your “freaky” nature. It’s about facing disapproval, discouragement, and downright ridicule, and coming back stronger and more resilient than ever.

I remember a great quote from Gandhi that I think every entrepreneur needs to keep close at hand: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

I like that. We win.

Blessed are the freaks… for they shall inherit the earth.

So how do you start to embrace your freaky nature and claim your “inheritance?” With the following five strategies.

EMBRACE YOUR FREAKY NATURE: FIVE STRATEGIES

1. STOP BEING LIKABLE

On the night of the last presidential election, like many people, I was sitting and watching the results roll in.

I don’t pay much attention during the campaign season. To me, the political rhetoric that consumes people for the year going into an election is nothing more than the net effect of the sensation-seeking news media having a field day with the public’s attention. I’m not going to allow any of my time, attention, and creative capacity to be monopolized (and thus monetized) by yet another talking lizard selling insurance.

But I vote. And I like to make an informed choice. So I watch the final couple of debates, do a few minutes of research, and ask around enough to cast an intelligent vote.

Then, at the end, I love to see the two speeches—one from the loser and one from the winner. I’m far more of a fan of debates and speeches than of politics. That’s where you can really learn something.

As I watched a few minutes of newly re-elected President Obama’s speech, I was struck with a fantastic success epiphany. I realized why I’m not more successful: I’m still worried about being liked.

There he was, Barack Obama. For a second time, he had been elected President of the United States of America, making him one of the most powerful people on the planet. Yet, even as he stood there with his wife and two daughters, waving and smiling to the crowd of thousands who had gathered and millions watching around the globe, election results confirmed something else: 49 percent of his own countrymen were unhappy he had won. Yes. Almost half of everyone in his own country disagreed with him or disliked him or both—and some disliked him passionately!

Did you catch that? One of the most powerful people in the world was disapproved of and disliked by 49 percent of the very people he would be leading for four more years.

It was as clear to me as the skies over Chicago that election night: If you are going to be a change-maker, you need to shake the status quo by the shoulders. To improve things, you have to change things. Progress is only achieved through change. But change is the one thing that frightens would-be change-makers the most because shaking things up often leads to poor popularity.

I’ll admit to being a little distracted during the rest of the President’s speech as I worked through that epiphany. I realized right then, as Obama spoke to the masses, that I’m not more successful because I’m not pushing change hard enough. I’m not pushing progress hard enough. I’m not upsetting people and their status quo enough.

The higher you climb on the ladder of success, the more people will dislike you. Climb high enough, and people might even hate you.

Let that be okay. In fact, embrace it!

If you’re not as high on the ladder as you want to be, is it because you’re too worried about people disliking you? Is that keeping you from embracing challenging ideas, stirring up the status quo, and leading a life by your own definition?

Hear it this way: If all the people around you are happy with you, you are not doing great work.

When you stop being like other people, they stop liking you. That’s just how it goes. There’s no escaping it. And it’s okay. What you need to understand about that disapproval is that it’s a sign you’re doing something right. Reframe your perception of disapproval, and it will empower you rather than drain you.

“If all the people around you are happy with you, you are not doing great work. Progress is disruption and change.” @DarrenHardy JoinTheRide

1. BECOME LAUGHABLE

From our earliest days in grade school, we quickly discover that nothing hurts like being laughed at. No one wants to be the butt of the joke. Years later, though we’re no longer children, we may still carry the unspoken stigma of having been ridiculed by the pack.

But is it really that bad? Is it really so damaging to be laughed at? I can think of a few “jokes” where the people telling them did not in fact have the last laugh.

Have you heard the joke about the guy who wanted to build a privately funded rocket and launch it into outer space? Or the one about the guy who wanted to start a new airline—the toughest of industries—during the dot-com crash? Oh, wait, how about the joke about the guy who bought 160 acres of orange groves to build what he wanted to call “the happiest place on earth?” A total nutball, right?

Are you laughing?

Most people did when the SpaceX, Jet Blue, and Disneyland business plans were discussed, albeit for the wrong reasons. Yet when all was said and done, guess who laughed last?

Elon Musk chuckled 1.6 billion times when he was awarded NASA’s International Space Station cargo contract.

Launched in 1999, Jet Blue was one of only a few airlines after 9/11 to be profitable. David Neeleman has 2 billion reasons ($) to smile.

Walt Disney and his heirs have snickered 515 million times as each person entered into what has truly become a wonderland.

Like Gandhi implied, people laugh at revolutionaries, extraordinary achievers, and icons… at first. So if you believe in your dream, vision, or plan, don’t let the snickering and finger-pointing deter you.

People laughed at the young black woman raised in abject poverty in Mississippi when she wanted to become a news anchor. She became both the youngest and the first black female anchor at Nashville’s WLACTV. They laughed again when she wanted to take on Phil Donahue, the king of talk shows. (Remember Phil? Barely.) They laughed more in the mid-1990s, when she wanted to turn from a tabloid-based show to positive, uplifting, and inspirational-based programming. Now, as the richest African American of all time and according to some assessments, the most influential woman in the world, it has become increasingly hard to laugh at Oprah Winfrey.

Let’s look at another laughingstock. When he told his countrymen he was going to America, they laughed. When he announced he would win Mr. Olympia, they laughed. He laughed back seven times. When he announced (in his awkward, thick Austrian accent) he was going to be the biggest movie star in the world, they laughed really hard. During his Terminator reign, he was the highest paid actor of all time. When he announced himself as a candidate for California governor, people couldn’t stop laughing. They chuckled all the way to the polls and voted him in. Maybe that’s why Arnold Schwarzenegger has such an infectious laugh himself.

Have your friends and family laughed at you? Consider yourself in great company. Check out this list of people who were ridiculed: Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Ben Hogan, Jesus of Nazareth, Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Abe Lincoln, Fred Smith, The Wright Brothers, Gloria Steinem, Rosa Parks, Willie Mays, Jonas Salk, Bill Gates, Roger Bannister, Frank Gehry, Ron Howard, Quincy Jones, Sidney Poitier, Hilary Swank, Michael Dell, Barbara Walters, Larry Page, Mark Zuckerberg, Ted Turner, Martha Stewart, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Larry King, Colin Powell, Jane Goodall, Sir Edmund Hillary, Chuck Yeager, Sergey Brin, Jeff Bezos, Muhammad Ali, Martina Navratilova, Albert Einstein… The list goes on and on and on. It’s time to embrace the laughter. If no one is ridiculing or laughing at you, you either don’t have a revolutionary, change-making idea yet, or maybe you’ve been afraid to finally share it with the world. Well, we’re about to change all that.

Remember what Gandhi said, because it will be you who gets the last laugh!

1. DEFINE SUCCESS

In The Compound Effect, I told the story of how I found my dream home. I was sitting on the dock at Sam’s Anchor Café looking up at the mega houses that cantilevered over the tip of Tiburon, in Marin County, California—just across the bay from San Francisco.

It’s an exciting thing, putting the last few signatures on the pages that make your dream home your actual home. Yet even as they handed over the keys, I wasn’t thinking about what a monumental moment it was for me. I wasn’t filled with excitement at the thought of moving in or waking up that first morning in my new place or even how awesome it would be to show my friends. As I left the title company that afternoon, there was one thought and one thought only in my mind… I couldn’t wait to show my dad.

I had spent a lifetime trying to impress my dad in a variety of different ways, and I’d always seemed to come up just short—I could have scored a few more runs in the winning game, or closed a few more deals in a record month. According to my father, there was always something better on the other side of what I hoped was pretty great.

But all that was behind me now. This house, this epic house, would finally do it. I had examined it top to bottom and every inch of it was incredible.

I called my father the minute I stepped in the door of the new place to invite him over. I didn’t say a word about the house itself, except that I had closed. I wanted him to see it for himself. We agreed on an evening, exactly two weeks later, for him and his wife to come for hors d’oeuvres and cocktails and the first official tour.

I hung up the phone, pleased and excited, and looked around my home. Immediately, I realized I had a big problem: The place was empty! I had no furniture. No couches, no tables, nothing. I could already hear my father complaining, “What good is a castle if you have to sit on the ground like a beggar?” I had to fix this problem and fast!

The next day I was the first person in the door at the San Francisco Furniture Mart. In a single afternoon, I selected and bought all the furniture needed to fill up every room, on each of the four levels of that house (choosing only what was available for delivery within two weeks). Problem solved.

Over the course of the next several days, I perfected the unveiling. I hired a chef to prepare the hors d’oeuvres and serve the champagne when they arrived. I made reservations for dinner at a restaurant on the wharf of Tiburon—to which I would escort my father and his wife via the private staircase from my back balcony. I would even have them arrive at a particular time of evening so the light would be just right when I showed my father the view. It was a reveal that would make even an MTV Cribs homeowner weep.

Finally, after two weeks of anticipation, the stage was set, and my guests arrived as planned. After a brief greeting, an initial tour, and a few chef-prepared hors d’oeuvres, I asked my dad to follow me downstairs to my office—a room I had saved for last, a room that to this day I would love to sit in one more time. The office spanned the entire third floor of the house with uniquely tall ceilings and an angular design. Finally, standing in place of a south-facing wall… was an enormous window. Floor to ceiling, wall to wall, and all glass.

Smiling, I walked him over to witness the view of a lifetime.

The house was perched above the harbor of Tiburon and the Corinthian Yacht Club. The sailboats were dancing below us in the light of sunset, competing in their famous Friday evening races. From the window it felt as if you were standing on top of the world. Below and to the left of us was the point of Tiburon with its charming waterfront restaurants, cafes, boutique hotels and green grass. Right in front of us across the harbor was Angel Island. In the distant background, the light of the sunset twinkled off the windows and buildings sitting on the stretch of Berkeley and Oakland. Sweeping to the right was a stunning view of Alcatraz with the Bay Bridge strung like a long harp behind it. Then, as if it rose from the water in front of us, was the majestic skyline of San Francisco. From that vantage point, the streets of San Francisco were perpendicular to us, slicing the city like a birthday cake. As the sun dropped behind the city into a golden horizon, it looked as if liquid gold were pouring down the streets in front of us.

It was absolutely breathtaking.

We stood there in silence for a moment while I let him soak it all in. I’d be fibbing if I said I wasn’t caught up in the beauty of it all myself. Without shifting my gaze, I took a steadying breath. “Dad,” I said proudly, “what do you think?” I turned to him, still smiling, but he wasn’t looking at the view. In fact, he wasn’t even looking out the window. Instead, he was squinting, staring, then pointing at something on the ceiling—some 12 feet above us. He paused. “Look,” he said. “There’s a water stain on the ceiling up there.” In that moment, my heart broke.

I turned back to the window, my face feeling hot—from sadness or anger, I wasn’t sure. My whole life had been leading up to this one moment, the moment when I thought I had finally succeeded and impressed my dad. Those hopes, as expansive and fragile as the glass in front of us, shattered. In one, gut-wrenching moment, I rode the entrepreneur roller coaster from my highest high to a devastating new low.

I don’t remember what I said next or what he said back to me as we stood there, side by side, looking at a water stain instead of a view that could qualify as a wonder of the world. But I do remember that was the moment when everything changed. It was the instant I was liberated.

This new low freed me.

It was a coming-of-age moment. Instead of living my life to please my dad, I realized that nothing I could ever achieve would change my father or what he thought of me. In that moment, I let go of the kind of burden that some people carry for a lifetime, the burden of living to please someone else. The plummeting heartbreak I felt standing there with my dad broke the bondage I had struggled against my entire life. I was freed to pursue my dreams for their own sake. Untethered from my father’s approval or disapproval, I finally realized my success had nothing to do with him. That’s the moment I decided I would define success on my own terms.

WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF SUCCESS?

Not long ago I had the opportunity to spend some time with Maria Shriver, who at the time was the First Lady of California. As far as “success credentials” go, she had them all. She was a six-time bestselling author and an award-winning journalist. She had even married a movie star.

As we sat together during our interview, I was thoroughly enjoying my time with this fascinating woman. I asked questions I’d specifically considered for her and a few more general questions I’ve asked many of the people I’ve interviewed over the years: “What is the one thing you attribute your success to?” “What is your most important success strategy?” and of course, “What is your definition of success?” “What is your definition of success?” It was a question I had asked 100 times to 100 different people. But it was Maria’s answer to that routine question that genuinely changed my life—or at least my perspective on it.

Remember, Maria comes from the Kennedy legacy. Her uncles are Jack, Bobby, and Ted. Her dad, Sargent Shriver, started the Peace Corps, the Job Corps, and Head Start. Her mom, Eunice, founded the Special Olympics. Since birth, Maria was conditioned and pressured to pursue something meaningful that would make an epic difference in the world. Needless to say, I was interested in how she defined success and fully expected an “Ask not what your country can do for you…” type of response. What I got was something much different.

In fact, in the moment, her answer stunned me, so much so that I found myself wanting to wrap up the interview, to immediately take some time to process her answer. I was troubled by it the entire drive from the Beverly Hills Hilton to my home in San Diego. I’d freed myself from my father’s ideas of success, I thought. But what were mine?

When I arrived at my house, I barely paused to kiss my wife on the cheek before I grabbed my journal, found a quiet place outside to sit, and turned the question on myself: What was my definition of success?

I had nothing. The blank page just stared back at me.

Here I was, the publisher of SUCCESS. I had written the definition of “success” for the magazine. I mentor people every day on success principles. But at that moment, I realized I had never truly defined what “success” meant to me! To Darren J. Hardy.

I thought of Maria again. I remembered the thoughtful breath she drew in before answering the question that was now leaving me speechless. I closed my eyes, breathed in, and as the breath came out again, so did the words I had been searching for. I wrote for an hour straight until my fingertips were sore from their pressure on the pen. When I finally stopped and read what I’d written, the light bulbs started to go on, and I saw things so clearly. What I had always thought was so important, really… wasn’t. What had previously frustrated me just seemed to dissipate. And my real purpose, authentic passion, core values, and desired direction in life became much, much clearer.

I looked at the page and thought, “Oh yes. This is success, Darren.”

Want to know what Maria’s response was?

When I asked for her definition of success, this is the answer that both surprised and inspired me. She said, “I used to define my success by getting the news anchor job, by being a best-selling author, by who I knew, what I did, and what I accomplished.” She went on to explain that when she finally stopped to consider what success was on her own terms, it was something different altogether.

“Really,” she told me, “success for me was being a daughter to the end to my mother. It’s being responsible and caring for my father. Success for me is having time to parent my children and show up for them. Success is being the kind of wife I’ve set up for myself and the kind of woman that I would want as a friend.” While that might not be inspiring to you, it is to her, and that is exactly the point. She has discovered what really matters to her, for her, by her definition. And so have I.

We spend most of our lives pursuing success, but I’m not sure we stop often enough and ask ourselves: What does success mean to me?

Have you ever asked yourself the question?

Have you actually written down your answer?

“Have you ever WRITTEN DOWN your definition of success? Prepare to be surprised.”

@DarrenHardy JoinTheRide

My guess is no. And you’re not alone. Sadly, I suspect most of us have never even asked the question, let alone answered it. Or if we have asked it, we’ve unknowingly allowed others to give the answer for us. Maybe our parents defined it as the degrees we should obtain or the titles we should aspire to on our business card. Or maybe commercial media defined success for us as having this car, that house, those shoes, and that watch. Or maybe the Joneses are defining our success, as we find ourselves comparing where we went on vacation or the relative excellence of our kids.

Forget about the Joneses. Ask yourself. What is success to me? What makes me truly happy? What gives me joy? When am I most satisfied? How will I know when I’ve reached success? What does it look like?

Answer those questions from deep within yourself, and you can spark real insight—an awakening to your true motivation, passion, and purpose in life.

Just a year after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given less than six months to live, Steve Jobs said the following in his commencement speech to the 2005 graduating class of Stanford University: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart, and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.” What do you truly want to become?

“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart, and intuition.” —Steve Jobs, 2005 JoinTheRide

1. GET A GRIP

One evening, early in my real estate career, I stopped by my favorite post-work hangout spot to meet up with a friend after a particularly rotten day. Don’t get me wrong, there were many rotten days during my career in real estate, but this one was really bad. I had been rejected and emotionally browbeaten from morning to night. I won’t go into all the details, but the final blow was a phone call from my archenemy, a competing and totally obnoxious real estate agent. He called to gleefully inform me that the prized prospect we were both after (a multimillion-dollar estate that was sure to sell in 15 seconds flat) had decided to list with him and not me. To make it worse, he went on to recount several uncomplimentary things the prospect had said about me—even down to my poor choice of tie.

Brutal. Not only had I lost, I had lost to my nemesis, who then got the great pleasure of informing me personally, and finally, just for the fun of it, kicking me while I was down. (And that tie comment really stung.) I was recounting the events of this no good, very bad day when the friend I was meeting walked in and pulled up a seat. We said our hellos and he immediately asked what was going on. I didn’t even have to mention my day—it was written all over my face.

Instead of giving me some sort of cheesy “better luck next time” pep talk, he told me about a Newsweek article he’d just read. The story changed my view of other people’s opinions from that moment forward.

The article revealed that at a funeral, even for someone who lived a long full life as a good citizen, a good friend, a good human—even then, only an average of ten people would care enough to cry.

Ten. That’s it.

I was floored. “What?!,” I said. “You mean I can work hard all my life trying to do good and please others, and in the end only ten people will care enough to cry?” He confirmed and then continued by saying it got worse!

The article also revealed that the number one factor that determines how many people will go to your burial site—you know, that sacred event when your body is being laid to rest for the final time—is… … wait for it…

… the weather.

Yes. If it’s raining on the day that you are to become one with the Earth, more than 50 percent of those attending will break off from the funeral procession and go straight to the party.

I found this horrifying.

No matter how I lived my life, how much I gave, loved, how well I lived, the weather was going to dictate the turnout during my final moments above ground. A little drizzle was going to outrank my entire life’s existence?

I was mortified.

For a moment.

And then I was kind of… relieved.

With that single conversation, my entire perspective on living for other people’s approval changed. If I ever felt myself getting caught up in or brought down by what other people thought of me, whether or not they approved of what I was doing (or wearing), all I had to do is ask myself if they would be one of the ten people to cry at my funeral. Instantly their rejection would lose any power over my emotions.

From that point on, before making a prospecting call, or after one where I was rejected, I’d often ask myself: “Would this person cry at my funeral?” And most of the time, the answer was: “I doubt they would walk across the street to even go.” That’s all it took for me to stop caring what others thought of me.

I call this process “getting a grip.” It means getting perspective on how important the opinions of other people really are. Most of the time, getting a grip means realizing those opinions aren’t important.

Getting a grip immediately eliminates nervousness, worry, and fear. It’s emotionally liberating, but its effects on your business will be even more profound. You’ll make better decisions more easily and discover a newfound clarity. A firm grip has made my own roller coaster ride so much easier.

Someone explained “getting a grip” to me another way, calling it the 18-40-65 rule.

When we’re eighteen, we worry endlessly about what people think of us. Does he or she think I’m cute? Do they like me? Is so-and-so mad at me? Am I being gossiped about? Then by age forty, we stop worrying about gossip and opinion. We finally stop caring what people think about us.

But it isn’t until age sixty-five that we realize the truth: All this time, nobody has really been thinking about us at all.

Let’s face it, most of the time people really don’t care enough to be thinking about you—they’re far too busy thinking about themselves. And if they are thinking of you, they’re only thinking of you in the context of how you are making them look.

You don’t have to wait until age sixty-five to realize this. We spend too much of our lives worrying about being rejected by other people. Don’t fall for that trap. Get a grip. Don’t let people who don’t matter, matter.

1. REDUCE RECOVERY TIME

On the entrepreneur roller coaster you are going to experience failure, setbacks, disappointments, and obstacles. All these things are mandatory, and yes, they hurt. But it’s also okay that they hurt—you’re human, after all. Rejection, failure, and letdowns hurt humans. It’s okay, and it’s part of the deal. You will get knocked down, repeatedly. The difference is in how long you take to get back up.

“We all get knocked down. How quickly we get up is what separates us.”

@DarrenHardy JoinTheRide

I used to be far more sensitive to failure, but worked hard to reduce my recovery time—to stand up taller, sooner. Here is the evolution I have gone through and recommend for you: What used to bum me out for two weeks, I eventually whittled down to two days by focusing my attention not on the failure, but on the lessons learned and the opportunities created. Then I got it down to two hours and then to 20 minutes. Now, when I get knocked down, I give myself about two minutes to sulk, and then I brush myself off and get back on the horse.

I have found that it is precisely in those moments of strife, struggle, and failure, when you’ve been knocked flat on your tush and you are staring up wondering what to do next, that the true achievers are born. Martin Luther King Jr. put it this way: “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge.” It is only when we are face to face with those challenges, only when we are knocked down, that we can choose to separate ourselves from other men and women, from those who stay on their backs and melt back into the herd of mediocrity and join instead those who, despite the fear, pain, and struggle, get back up off the mat before the ten count and eventually win.

Steve Wynn, as you know, is a multibillionaire and business magnate, deemed “Mr. Las Vegas” by many. He played a pivotal role in the 1990 resurgence and expansion of the Las Vegas Strip. He built or refurbished The Mirage, Treasure Island, Bellagio, Wynn Encore, and others. When asked the best piece of advice he’d give a budding entrepreneur, his answer was, “Know there will be dark days. There will be more dark days than good days, but the few good days are really, really good!” You will get knocked down. Know that it’s okay. It’s okay that it hurts a bit, too. And know that it’s okay to give yourself some recovery time. As Confucius said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.” Don’t worry about getting knocked down—just try to reduce the time you stay there.

“If you’re going to get better, you have to push yourself. If you push yourself, you’re going to fall. If you’re not falling, you’re not pushing. Falling is part of getting better.” —Jerry Hardy JoinTheRide

FALLING IS GOOD FOR YOU

Learning to accept rejection and to face getting knocked down isn’t just about growing a tough skin. Getting knocked down also makes you stronger and better. It’s good for you.

One of my earliest introductions to this lesson was on the ski slopes. My dad taught me to snow ski when I was six years old. By the time I was eight, I was skiing on my own. Once, at the end of a full ski day, I ran up to my dad with a huge smile and proudly announced, “Dad! Dad! I skied by myself all day long and didn’t fall down once!” He looked at me flatly and said, “Well, then you didn’t get any better.”

What? That wasn’t the response I was expecting and hoping for.

Seeing the bewildered look on my face, my dad elaborated: “Look, if you’re going to get better, you have to push yourself. If you push yourself, you’re going to fall. If you’re not falling, you’re not pushing. Falling is part of getting better.” I owe much of my success to my dad and this philosophy. He taught me that it was not only okay to fail, but that it was an important part of the process. It was proof you were stretching and growing past your previous limits. It was confirmation you were improving. As a result, I never saw setbacks, obstacles, rejection, or even pain as things to avoid—rather, they were improvement markers on the journey toward greatness. They were events to be appreciated, even celebrated.

THE TRACK AHEAD

The entrepreneur roller coaster starts the way many rides do—with great excitement and expectation. You’re so positive. So excited. So pumped.

You check your shoulder harness.

You look around at your friends and family with a big smile.

And with a jolt, the ride begins.

For the first few moments, the ride is filled with anticipation. You climb steadily higher and higher. Foot by foot you build your potential, and with each passing moment your view expands. You see farther and farther, your future laid out before you as you reach the summit of your first peak.

And then the bottom falls out.

What was once a slow, steady, predictable track turns into a deadly plummet. The first unexpected turn smashes your head against the seat back. You find yourself suddenly turned upside down and feel your stomach churn. Up ahead you see a corkscrew and a sharp turn and you wonder if you can even survive this ride, much less enjoy it or ever want to do it again. You wish you had never stepped onto the ride at all.

And then it gets worse.

Without warning, the ride goes dark. Now you can’t even anticipate the challenges coming at you. You’re smashed and buffeted. Jerked from side to side. Flipped over without warning. Every pitfall is a shock.

Then just when you think you can’t take any more, the car slows, you jerk against your shoulder harness, and you emerge into the sunlight, the ride completed. Your fear is replaced with a flood of exhilaration. You did it!

The entrepreneur roller coaster is no easy ride. It is both thrilling and scary as hell. To ride it successfully is one of the greatest feelings you will ever experience in life. But along the way, you’ll have to battle fear, uncertainty, discouragement, and disapproval—and a lot more. You’ll be tempted to quit.

Don’t.

Because there’s only one thing certain on the ride: You can’t get to the end if you quit.

“There’s only one certainty in business: You can’t succeed if you quit.”

@DarrenHardy JoinTheRide

When people dislike you, know that it means you’re on the right track. When you get knocked down, know that it’s going to pass, that it’s going make you stronger. When they laugh, laugh along with them—after all, they’re not likely to cry along with you. Embrace your inner freak, ignore the crabs, find your own success, and brave the dark days, knowing that the few good days “are really, really good.” Do this, and you’ll be really glad you decided to step onto the track and take the ride.

Is your shoulder harness locked tight? Are you ready to be thrashed about? I hope so. Because we’re headed for the first summit!

figure