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Chapter EIGHT

Ingredients of the “Success-Type” Personality and How to Acquire Them

Just as a doctor learns to diagnose disease from certain symptoms, failure and success can also be diagnosed. The reason is that a man does not simply find success or come to failure. He carries their seeds around in his personality and character.

I have found one of the most effective means of helping people achieve an adequate or successful personality is to first of all give them a graphic picture of what the successful personality looks like. Remember, the creative guidance mechanism within you is a goal-striving mechanism, and the first requisite for using it is to have a clear-cut goal or target to shoot for. A great many people want to improve themselves, and long for a better personality, but have no clear-cut idea of the direction in which improvement lies, or what constitutes a good personality. A good personality is one that enables you to deal effectively and appropriately with environment and reality, and to gain satisfaction from reaching goals that are important to you.

Time and again, I have seen confused and unhappy people straighten themselves out when they were given a goal to shoot for and a straight course to follow. There was the advertising man in his early forties, for example, who felt strangely insecure and dissatisfied with himself just after receiving an important promotion.

New Roles Require New Self-Images

“It doesn’t make sense,” said the ad man. “I’ve worked for this, and dreamed about it. It’s just what I’ve always wanted. I know I can do the work. And yet, for some reason my self-confidence is shaken. I suddenly wake up, as if from a dream, and ask myself, What in the world is a small potato like me doing in a job like this?” He had become super-sensitive to his appearance and thought perhaps that his “weak chin” might be the cause of his discomfort. “I don’t look like a business executive,” he said. He felt plastic surgery might be the answer to his problem.

There was the stay-at-home mother whose children were “running her crazy” and whose husband irritated her so much that she “teed off on him” at least once a week for no cause. “What is the matter with me?” she asked. “My children are really nice kids I should be proud of. My husband is really a nice guy, and I’m always ashamed of myself afterwards.” She felt that a “face-lift” might give her more confidence, and cause her family to “appreciate her more.” The trouble with these people, and many more like them, is not their physical appearance but their self-image. They find themselves in a new role, and are not sure what kind of a person they are supposed to “be” in order to live up to that role. Or, they have never developed a clear-cut self-image of themselves in any role.

The Picture of Success

In this chapter, I am going to give you the same “prescription” that I would give you should you come to my office.

I have found that an easy-to-remember picture of the successful personality is contained in the letters of the word “success” itself. The success-type personality is composed of: Sense of direction

Understanding

Courage

Compassion

Esteem

Self-Confidence

Self-Acceptance

Sense of Direction

The advertising executive “straightened himself out” and regained his confidence within a short time, once he saw clearly that for several years he had been motivated by strong personal goals that he wanted to attain, including securing his present position. These goals, which were important to him, kept him on the track. However, once he got the promotion, he ceased to think in terms of what he wanted, but in terms of what others expected of him, or whether he was living up to other people’s goals and standards. He was like the skipper of a ship who had relinquished his hold upon the wheel, and hoped that he would drift in the right direction. He was like a mountain climber, who as long as he looked upward to the peak he wished to scale, felt and acted courageously and boldly. But when he got to the top, he felt there was nowhere else to go, and began to look down, and became afraid. He was now on the defensive, defending his present position, rather than acting like a goal-striver and going on the offensive to attain his goal. He regained control when he set himself new goals and began to think in terms of “What do I want out of this job? What do I want to achieve? Where do I want to go?” “Functionally, a man is somewhat like a bicycle,” I told him. “A bicycle maintains its poise and equilibrium only so long as it is going forward towards something. You have a good bicycle. Your trouble is you are trying to maintain your balance sitting still, with no place to go. It’s no wonder you feel shaky.” We are engineered as goal-seeking mechanisms. We are built that way. When we have no personal goal that we are interested in and that “means something” to us, we are apt to “go around in circles,” feel “lost,” and find life itself “aimless” and “purposeless.” We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals, and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve. People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying that they themselves have no personal goals that are worthwhile.

Prescription: Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project. Decide what you want out of a situation. Always have something ahead of you to “look forward to”—to work for and hope for. Look forward, not backward. Develop what one of the automobile manufacturers calls “the forward look.” Develop a “nostalgia for the future” instead of for the past. The “forward look” and a “nostalgia for the future” can keep you youthful. Even your body doesn’t function well when you stop being a goal-striver and “have nothing to look forward to.” This is the reason that very often when a man retires, he dies shortly thereafter. When you’re not goal-striving, not looking forward, you’re not really “living.” In addition to your purely personal goals, have at least one impersonal goal, or cause, which you can identify yourself with. Get interested in some project to help your fellow man—not out of a sense of duty, but because you want to.

Throughout his work, Dr. Maltz used two terms that some people find more beneficial than the word “goal.” The word “goal” causes a negative reaction or feeling of tension in some people. But if they use the word “project” or “cause,” they understand what they need to do. For example, Bob Bly, a successful writer and marketing master, insists he’s never set a goal in his life, but he always has “projects” on his desk—always has something he’s working on achieving. And, in the same vein, when I asked my young daughter, [Faith], what she wanted to accomplish, she replied, “I don’t know.” So I changed my question to “What would you like to do?” She instantly began telling me what she wanted to get “good at”—not just do. If the word “goal” is not to your liking, use another word to help rather than hinder you on your journey.

Understanding

Understanding depends on good communication. Communication is vital to any guidance system or computer. You cannot react appropriately if the information you act on is faulty or misunderstood. Many doctors believe that “confusion” is the basic element in neurosis. To deal effectively with a problem, you must have some understanding of its true nature. Most of our failures in human relations are due to “misunderstandings.” We expect other people to react and respond and come to the same conclusions as we do from a given set of “facts” or “circumstances.” We should remember what we said in an earlier chapter—no one reacts to “things as they are,” but to his own mental images. Most of the time the other person’s reaction or position is not taken in order to make us suffer, nor to be hardheaded, or malicious, but because he “understands” and interprets the situation differently from us. He is merely responding appropriately to what—to him—seems to be the truth about the situation. To give the other person credit for being sincere, if mistaken, rather than willful and malicious, can do much to smooth out human relations and bring about better understanding between people. Ask yourself, “How does this appear—to him?” “How does he interpret this situation?” “How does he feel about it?” Try to understand why he might “act the way he does.” FACT VS. OPINION

Many times, we create confusion when we add our own opinion to facts and come up with the wrong conclusion.

FACT: A husband cracks his knuckles.

OPINION: The wife concludes, “He does that because he thinks it will annoy me.” FACT: The husband sucks his teeth after eating.

OPINION: The wife concludes, “If he had any regard for me, he would improve his manners.” FACT: Two friends are whispering when you walk up. Suddenly they stop talking and look somewhat embarrassed.

OPINION: You think, “They must have been gossiping about me.”

The wife mentioned earlier was able to understand that her husband’s annoying mannerisms were not deliberate and willful acts on his part for the purpose of annoying her. When she stopped reacting just as if she had been personally insulted, she was able to pause, analyze the situation, and select an appropriate response.

BE WILLING TO SEE THE TRUTH

Oftentimes, we color incoming sensory data by our own fears, anxieties, or desires. But to deal effectively with environment, we must be willing to acknowledge the truth about it. Only when we understand what it is can we respond appropriately. We must be able to see the truth, and to accept the truth, good or bad. Bertrand Russell said one reason Hitler lost World War II was that he did not fully understand the situation. Bearers of bad news were punished. Soon no one dared tell him the truth. Not knowing the truth, he could not act appropriately.

Many of us are individually guilty of the same error. We do not like to admit to ourselves our errors, mistakes, shortcomings, or ever admit we have been in the wrong. We do not like to acknowledge that a situation is other than we would like it to be. So we kid ourselves. And because we will not see the truth, we cannot act appropriately. Someone has said that it is a good exercise to daily admit one painful fact about ourselves to ourselves. The success-type personality not only does not cheat and lie to other people, he learns to be honest with himself. What we call “sincerity” is itself based on self-understanding and self-honesty. For no man can be sincere who lies to himself by “rationalizing,” or telling himself “rational-lies.” Prescription: Look for and seek out true information concerning yourself, your problems, other people, or the situation, whether it is good news or bad news. Adopt the motto, “It doesn’t matter who’s right, but what’s right.” An automatic guidance system corrects its course from negative feedback data. It acknowledges errors in order to correct them and stay on course. So must you. Admit your mistakes and errors, but don’t cry over them. Correct them and go forward. In dealing with other people, try to see the situation from their point of view as well as your own.

Courage

Having a goal and understanding the situation are not enough. You must have the courage to act, for only by actions can goals, desires, and beliefs be translated into realities.

Admiral William F. Halsey’s personal motto was a quotation from Nelson, “No Captain can do very wrong if he places his Ship alongside that of an Enemy.” “’The best defense is a strong offense,’ is a military principle,” said Halsey, “but its application is wider than war. All problems, personal, national, or combat, become smaller if you don’t dodge them, but confront them. Touch a thistle timidly, and it pricks you; grasp it boldly and its spines crumble.” Someone has said that faith is not believing something in spite of the evidence. It is the courage to do something regardless of the consequences.

WHY NOT BET ON YOURSELF?

Nothing in this world is ever absolutely certain or guaranteed. Often the difference between a successful man and a failure is not one’s better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on his ideas, to take a calculated risk—and to act.

We often think of courage in terms of heroic deeds on the battlefield, in a shipwreck or similar crisis. But everyday living requires courage, too, if it is to be effective.

Standing still, failure to act, causes people who are faced with a problem to become nervous, feel “stymied,” “trapped,” and can bring on a host of physical symptoms.

I tell such people: “Study the situation thoroughly, go over in your imagination the various courses of action possible to you and the consequences which can and may follow from each course. Pick out the course which gives the most promise—and go ahead. If we wait until we are absolutely certain and sure before we act, we will never do anything. Any time you act you can be wrong. Any decision you make can turn out to be the wrong one. But we must not let this deter us from going after the goal we want. You must daily have the courage to risk making mistakes, risk failure, risk being humiliated. A step in the wrong direction is better than staying ‘on the spot’ all your life. Once you’re moving forward you can correct your course as you go. Your automatic guidance system cannot guide you when you’re stalled, standing still.” FAITH AND COURAGE ARE NATURAL INSTINCTS

Have you ever wondered why the “urge” or desire to gamble seems to be instinctive in human nature? My own theory is that this universal “urge” is an instinct, which, when used correctly, urges us to bet on ourselves, to take a chance on our own creative potentialities. When we have faith and act with courage—that is exactly what we’re doing—gambling on, and taking a chance on, our own creative God-given talents. It is also my theory that people who frustrate this natural instinct, by refusing to live creatively and act with courage, are the people who develop “gambling fever” and become addicts of gambling tables. A man who will not take a chance on himself must bet on something. And the man who will not act with courage sometimes seeks the feeling of courage from a bottle. Faith and courage are natural human instincts and we feel a need to express them—in one way or another.

Prescription: Be willing to make a few mistakes, to suffer a little pain to get what you want. Don’t sell yourself short. “Most people,” said General R. E. Chambers, chief of the Army’s Psychiatry and Neurology Consultant Division, “don’t know how brave they really are. In fact, many potential heroes, both men and women, live out their lives in self-doubt. If they only knew they had these deep resources, it would help give them the self-reliance to meet most problems, even a big crisis.” You’ve got the resources. But you never know you’ve got them until you act—and give them a chance to work for you.

Another helpful suggestion is to practice acting boldly and with courage in regard to “little things.” Do not wait until you can be a big hero in some dire crisis. Daily living also requires courage—and by practicing courage in little things, we develop the power and talent to act courageously in more important matters.

Compassion*

Successful personalities have some interest in and regard for other people. They have a respect for others’ problems and needs. They respect the dignity of human personality and deal with other people as if they were human beings, rather than as pawns in their own game. They recognize that every person is a child of God and is a unique individual who deserves some dignity and respect.

It is a psychological fact that our feelings about ourselves tend to correspond to our feelings about other people. When a person begins to feel more compassion about others, he invariably begins to feel more compassion toward himself. The person who feels that “people are not very important” cannot have very much deep-down self-respect and self-regard—for he himself is “people,” and with what judgment he considers others, he himself is unwittingly judged in his own mind. One of the best known methods of getting over a feeling of guilt is to stop condemning other people in your own mind—stop judging them—stop blaming them and hating them for their mistakes. You will develop a better and more adequate self-image when you begin to feel that other people are more worthy.

Another reason that compassion toward other people is symptomatic of the successful personality is because it means that the person is dealing with reality. People are important. People cannot for long be treated like animals or machines, or as pawns to secure personal ends. Hitler found this out. So will other tyrants wherever they may be found—in the home, in business, or in individual relationships.

Prescription: The prescription for compassion is threefold: (1) Try to develop a genuine appreciation for people by realizing the truth about them; they are children of God, unique personalities, creative beings. (2) Take the trouble to stop and think of the other person’s feelings, his viewpoints, his desires and needs. Think more of what the other fellow wants, and how he must feel. A friend of mine kids his wife by telling her, whenever she asks him, “Do you love me?”—“Yes, whenever I stop and think about it.” There is a lot of truth in this. We cannot feel anything about other people unless we “stop and think” about them. (3) Act as if other people are important and treat them accordingly. In your treatment of other people have regard for their feelings. We tend to feel about others in accordance with the way we treat them.

Esteem

Several years ago I wrote a contribution to the “Words to Live By” feature of This Week Magazine on the words of Carlyle, “Alas! The fearful Unbelief is unbelief in yourself.” In the article I said: Of all the traps and pitfalls in life, self-disesteem is the deadliest, and the hardest to overcome; for it is a pit designed and dug by our own hands, summed up in the phrase, “It’s no use. I can’t do it.” The penalty of succumbing to it is heavy—both for the individual in terms of material rewards lost, and for society in gains and progress unachieved.

As a doctor I might also point out that defeatism has still another aspect, a curious one, which is seldom recognized. It is more than possible that the words quoted above are Carlyle’s own confession of the secret that lay behind his own craggy assertiveness, his thunderous temper and waspish voice and his appalling domestic tyranny.

Carlyle, of course, was an extreme case. But isn’t it on those days when we are most subject to the ‘fearful Unbelief,’ when we most doubt ourselves and feel inadequate to our task—isn’t it precisely then that we are most difficult to get along with?

We simply must get it through our heads that holding a low opinion of ourselves is not a virtue, but a vice. Jealousy, for example, which is the scourge of many a marriage, is nearly always caused by self-doubt. The person with adequate self-esteem doesn’t feel hostile toward others, he isn’t out to prove anything, he can see facts more clearly, isn’t as demanding in his claims on other people.

The stay-at-home mom who felt that a face-lift might cause her husband and children to appreciate her more really needed to appreciate herself more. Middle age, plus a few wrinkles and a few gray hairs, had caused her to lose self-esteem. She then became super-sensitive to innocent remarks and actions of her family.

Prescription: Stop carrying around a mental picture of yourself as a defeated, worthless person. Stop dramatizing yourself as an object of pity and injustice. Use the practice exercises in this book to build an adequate self-image.

The word “esteem” literally means to appreciate the worth of. Why do men stand in awe of the stars, and the moon, the immensity of the sea, the beauty of a flower or a sunset, and at the same time downgrade themselves? Did not the same Creator make man? Is not man himself the most marvelous creation of all? This appreciation of your own worth is not egotism unless you assume that you made yourself and should take some of the credit. Do not downgrade the product merely because you haven’t used it correctly. Don’t childishly blame the product for your own errors like the schoolboy who said, “This typewriter can’t spell.” But the biggest secret of self-esteem is this: Begin to appreciate other people more; show respect for any human being merely because he is a child of God and therefore a “thing of value.” Stop and think when you’re dealing with people. You’re dealing with a unique, individual creation of the Creator of all. Practice treating other people as if they have some value—and surprisingly enough your own self-esteem will go up. For real self-esteem is not derived from the great things you’ve done, the things you own, the mark you’ve made—but an appreciation of yourself for what you are—a child of God. When you come to this realization, however, you must necessarily conclude that all other people are to be appreciated for the same reason.

Self-Confidence

Confidence is built upon an experience of success. When we first begin any undertaking, we are likely to have little confidence, because we have not learned from experience that we can succeed. This is true of learning to ride a bicycle, speak in public, or perform surgery. It is literally true that success breeds success. Even a small success can be used as a stepping-stone to a greater one. Managers of boxers are very careful to match them so they can have a graduated series of successful experiences. We can use the same technique, starting gradually, and experiencing success at first on a small scale.

Another important technique is to form the habit of remembering past successes, and forgetting failures. This is the way both a computer and the human brain are supposed to operate.

We can just as easily delete negative thoughts from our minds as we can delete documents by dragging them into the trash on our computer screen.

Practice improves skill and success in basketball, golf, horseshoe pitching, or salesmanship, not because “repetition” has any value in itself. If it did, we would “learn” our errors instead of our “hits.” A person learning to pitch horseshoes, for example, will miss the stake many more times than he will hit it. If mere repetition were the answer to improved skill, his practice should make him more expert at missing since that is what he has practiced most. However, although his misses may outnumber hits ten to one, through practice his misses gradually diminish and his hits come more and more frequently. This is because the computer in his brain remembers and reinforces his successful attempts, and forgets the misses.

This is the way that both a computer and our own Success Mechanisms learn to succeed.

To engage our Success Mechanisms, repeat the commands that work and remember them. Forget the mistakes and errors. Anytime you hit the wrong button or key, retrace your steps and go back to repeating the steps that are successful.

Yet, what do most of us do? We destroy our self-confidence by remembering past failures and forgetting all about past successes. We not only remember failures, we impress them on our minds with emotion. We condemn ourselves. We flay ourselves with shame and remorse (both are highly egotistical, self-centered emotions). And self-confidence disappears.

It doesn’t matter how many times you have failed in the past. What matters is the successful attempt, which should be remembered, reinforced, and dwelt upon. Charles Kettering said that any young man who wants to be a scientist must be willing to fail 99 times before he succeeds once, and suffer no ego damage because of it.

Prescription: Use errors and mistakes as a way to learning—then dismiss them from your mind. Deliberately remember and picture to yourself past successes. Everyone has succeeded sometime at something. Especially when beginning a new task, call up the feelings you experienced in some past success, however small it might have been.

Dr. Winfred Overholser, psychiatrist and president of the American Psychiatric Association, said that recalling brave moments is a very sound way to restore belief in yourself; that too many people are prone to let one or two failures blot out all good memories. If we will systematically relive our brave moments in memory, he said, we will be surprised to see we have more courage than we thought. Dr. Overholser recommended the practice of vividly remembering our past successes and brave moments as an invaluable aid whenever self-confidence is shaken.

When asked about previous successes, some people draw a blank. They literally cannot think of any. I used to be of the opinion these people were lying, practicing the cunning art of self-deception, and fooling no one. Some people’s “successes” were not perceived as their own. For instance, when asked if becoming a doctor was a success, one MD said that his parents wanted him to be a doctor, so he achieved their goal, not his. Another man who’d built his own home didn’t view this as a “success.” A woman who got straight A’s in school didn’t see this as a success because she was “expected to get them.” However, when one changed the word “success” to “happy moments,” “brave moments,” or “good times,” these same people could recall their “success experiences.” They remembered hitting a home run, winning a tennis match, shooting a duck while hunting and hearing friends exclaim, “Great shot!” Just as “goals” can be seen as “projects”—“success experiences” can be called “happy moments” or something similar.

Self-Acceptance

No real success or genuine happiness is possible until a person gains some degree of self-acceptance. The most miserable and tortured people in the world are those who are continually straining and striving to convince themselves and others that they are something other than what they basically are. And there is no relief and satisfaction like that which comes when one finally gives up the shams and pretenses and is willing to be himself. Success, which comes from self-expression, often eludes those who strive and strain to be somebody, and often comes, almost of its own accord, when a person becomes willing to relax and be himself.

Changing your self-image does not mean changing your self, or improving your self, but changing your own mental picture, your own estimation, conception, and realization of that self. The amazing results, which follow from developing an adequate and realistic self-image, come about, not as a result of self-transformation, but from self-realization, and self-revelation. Your “self,” right now, is what it has always been, and all that it can ever be. You did not create it. You cannot change it. You can, however, realize it, and make the most of what already is by gaining a true mental picture of your actual self. There is no use straining to “be somebody.” You are what you are now. You are somebody, not because you’ve made a million dollars, or drive the biggest car on your block, or win at bridge—but because God created you in His own image.

Most of us are better, wiser, stronger, more competent now than we realize. Creating a better self-image does not create new abilities, talents, powers—it releases and utilizes them.

We can change our personality, but not our basic self. Personality is a tool, an outlet, a focal point of the “self” that we use in dealing with the world. It is the sum total of our habits, attitudes, learned skills, which we use as a method of expressing ourselves.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR MISTAKES

Self-acceptance means accepting and coming to terms with ourselves now, just as we are, with all our faults, weaknesses, shortcomings, errors, as well as our assets and strengths. Self-acceptance is easier, however, if we realize that these negatives belong to us—they are not us. Many people shy away from healthy self-acceptance because they insist on identifying themselves with their mistakes. You may have made a mistake, but this does not mean that you are a mistake. You may not be expressing yourself properly and fully, but this does not mean you yourself are no good.

We must recognize our mistakes and shortcomings before we can correct them.

The first step toward acquiring knowledge is the recognition of those areas where you are ignorant. The first step toward becoming stronger is the recognition that you are weak. And all religions teach that the first step toward salvation is the self-confession that you are a sinner. In the journey toward the goal of ideal self-expression, we must use negative feedback data to correct course, as in any other goal-striving situation.

This requires admitting to ourselves—and accepting the fact—that our personality, our expressed self, or what some psychologists call our “actual self,” is always imperfect and short of the mark.

No one ever succeeds during a lifetime in fully expressing or bringing into actuality all the potentialities of the real self. In our actual, expressed self, we never exhaust all the possibilities and powers of the real self. We can always learn more, perform better, behave better. The actual self is necessarily imperfect. Throughout life it is always moving toward an ideal goal, but never arriving. The actual self is not a static but a dynamic thing. It is never completed and final, but always in a state of growth.

It is important that we learn to accept this actual self, with all its imperfections, because it is the only vehicle we have. The neurotic rejects his actual self and hates it because it is imperfect. In its place he tries to create a fictitious ideal self that is already perfect, has already “arrived.” Trying to maintain the sham and fiction is not only a terrific mental strain, but he continually invites disappointment and frustration when he tries to operate in a real world with a fictitious self. A stagecoach may not be the most desirable transportation in the world, but a real stagecoach will still take you coast to coast more satisfactorily than will a fictitious jet airliner.

Prescription: Accept yourself as you are—and start from there. Learn to emotionally tolerate imperfection in yourself. It is necessary to intellectually recognize our shortcomings, but disastrous to hate ourselves because of them. Differentiate between your “self” and your behavior. “You” are neither ruined nor worthless because you made a mistake or got off course, any more than a typewriter is worthless that makes an error, or a violin that sounds a sour note. Don’t hate yourself because you’re not perfect. You have a lot of company. No one else is, either, and those who try to pretend they are are kidding themselves.

You Are Somebody—Now!

Many people hate and reject themselves because they feel and experience perfectly natural biological desires. Others reject themselves because they do not conform to the current fashion or standard for physical proportions. In the 1920s, many women felt ashamed of themselves because they had breasts. The boyish figure was in vogue and bosoms were taboo. Today, many young girls develop anxieties because they do not have 40-inch busts. In the 1920s, women used to come to me and in effect say—“Make me somebody by reducing the size of my breasts.” Today, the plea is “Make me somebody by increasing the size of my breasts.” This seeking for identity—this desire for selfhood—this urge to be “somebody” is universal, but we make a mistake when we seek it in conformity, in the approval of other people, or in material things. It is a gift of God. You are—period. Many people say in effect to themselves, “Because I am skinny, fat, short, too tall, etc.—I am nothing.” Say to yourself instead, “I may not be perfect, I may have faults and weaknesses, I might have gotten off the track, I may have a long way to go—but I am something and I will make the most of that something.” “It is the young man of little faith who says, ‘I am nothing,’” said Edward W. Bok (who was editor of the Ladies’ Home Journal for many years). “It is the young man of true conception who says, ‘I am everything,’ and then goes to prove it. That does not spell conceit or egotism, and if people think it does, let them think so. It is enough for us to know that it means faith, trust, confidence, the human expression of the God within us. He says, ‘Do my work.’ Go and do it. No matter what it is. Do it, but do it with a zest; a keenness; a gusto that surmounts obstacles and brushes aside discouragement.” Accept yourself. Be yourself. You cannot realize the potentialities and possibilities inherent in that unique and special something that is “YOU” if you keep turning your back on it, feeling ashamed of it, hating it, or refusing to recognize it.